True Story: This California Man Ghost Riding The Whip Might Be My Former Co-Worker Ron Who Worked With Me at An Illegal Door to Door Construction Company in Los Angeles at The Lowest Point of My Life

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When I was 16 years old, and my friend had just gotten his license, we went to an empty ice arena parking lot to "ghost ride the whip". I sat in the passengers seat and monitored the wheel while my friend in the drivers seat hopped out and ran alongside the car for about 1.5 seconds before hopping back in. So I'm a bit of a daredevil myself. Unfortunately we had nobody to take a video of the incident, but rest assured we looked something like the people in this video.

But that's not what the video in this article reminds me of. This video reminds me of a much darker time of my life. Back in 2016 when I was living in a van in Los Angeles, I briefly had a job as a "door-to-door salesman" for a very shady "construction company." 

The whole company was a scam. 

While I worked there, it was called Next Door construction (although it changed names frequently). The company's entire strategy was to send car-fulls of desperate, borderline homeless people (i.e. me) out to random neighborhoods in the Greater Los Angeles area. We'd then go knocking door-to-door, hoping to speak to a homeowner. If someone answered the door, I would make a up a reason for being there. If the house had fucked up gutters, I would say "Excuse me sir or ma'am (pronouns didn't exist yet so I was flying by the seat of my pants in that regard), I noticed your gutters look like shit. I happen to work for a gutter fixing company. We're currently fixing the gutters of a house around the corner that's just far enough away so you don't know who lives there and can't call me out for lying, and I figured while I just so happen to be in the area, we could help you out as well."

If some idiot by the grace of god said yes, then I would schedule a meeting between the homeowner and a "real salesman" (by "real salesman" I mean a guy who was slightly less homeless than me). Before the "real salesman" went out there, he would contact the cheapest most piece of shit gutter fixing person he could find on Craigslist, get a quote from him, then up-charge the homeowner as much as he could get away with to make a profit. 

Another part of my job was to recruit people to write fake glowing Yelp reviews, and report all the negative reviews to get them removed from Yelp. 

The company eventually got shut down for what I assume was a multitude of reasons, but then the owner just started a new company with a different name. It was literally the Michael Scott Paper Company. Last I heard, the new company was actually doing well. I got one of my other homeless comedian friends a job there, and he fucking crushed it. He worked his way up to manager and is now a functioning member of society. 

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Anyways, at that job, my team lead was a man kid named Ron who had just gotten his drivers license for the first time at 23-years old. I'm assuming the driving instructor who passed him was his blind mother, because Ron was the worst driver in the history of cars and roads. Whoever passed him should be in prison for attempted murder. I rode all the way out to West Covina with him and almost died about 5 separate times. He drove under the impression that stop signs didn't apply to him, and lights were mere suggestions. He couldn't for the life of him figure out when oncoming traffic was supposed to stop, and would just rip left turns directly in front of semi-trucks barreling full speed at us. It's a miracle we didn't all die. Once we made it to West Covina, I got out of the car and refused to get back in (something I should have done WAY earlier). I had a friend come pick me up and drive me back to the office. 

The next time I saw Ron was the day I quit. Ron was turning into the office parking lot while his brother (who was also in the car with us that day) was riding on top of the roof. . Last I saw from Ron was a Facebook post of him wearing a shirt that said "Free (whatever his brothers name was)". I'm not sure why he went to jail, but #FreeThatKid. I deleted Facebook soon after that and never heard from him since. But I think about him almost daily. He's one of those people I will never forget.

The driver in this NY Post article reminds me of Ron. Honestly, there's a non-zero percent chance that's Ron. I was very drunk for the majority of 2016, so my memory is a little hazy, but boy does he fit the description. I think I remember Ron being a little shorter, but again, I was very drunk so there's no way of knowing for sure.

So Ron, if that's you ghost riding the whip on the 91 freeway in Corona, California... good for you man. I commend you. You've come so far. I remember when you were a bright-eyed busy-tailed 23-year old driver, who was entrusted with the lives of 4 people who were somehow in an even worse spot that you were. Gripping the steering wheel so tight that your knuckles turned white. Punching the gas with your led foot to get your POS company owned Toyota Corolla up to 100 mph for no reason whatsoever, with zero regard for the lives you had in your hands. The lives of 4 brave souls who were in the midst of a come-to-Jesus moment, trying to piece together how the fuck our lives got to this point, coming to grips with the fact that this is how our story might end. But were so broke and pathetic that we were willing to risk it for $12/hr, and a 1-in-100 chance of someday hitting a commission that would at most net us a couple hundred extra bucks.

But look at him now! Realistically, that's probably not Ron. But he embodies the spirit of Ron. Deep down, that's how Ron wanted to drive. There's nothing Ron would have loved more than to stand on the window of his car as it rolled captainless down the interstate for the world to see. That's what the Ron was all about. That's the Ron experience. Wherever you are Ron... if you're reading this right now... I salute you. God speed if you're still out there driving. Based on my limited experience with you behind the wheel, I'd be surprised if you were still alive, yet alone driving. But I'm going to go ahead and pretend that this man is you, and that you've improved your driving immensely. Thank you for not killing me.

#FreeRonsBrother