Don't Listen To Klondike's Propaganda. The Choco Taco Isn't Coming Back Anytime Soon, If At All
Alright, so we know the Choco Taco was murdered in cold blood by that bitch boy Klondike bear a few weeks ago. The ramifications were felt far and wide, from sea to shining sea (I feel like the Choco Taco is too big of a concept for any country outside of America to handle). There was an outcry of emotions not seen for the removal of a food item since the Twinkies were shut down in 2012.
I handled this news like any rational snack fiend would, which was to unleash an internet attack on those that wronged me.
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Throughout this process, I've had people echo my sentiments, others pledge to join my crusade, and absolutely NOBODY disagreeing with the indisputable fact that killing the Choco Taco was an absurd idea considering it was still at the top of the ice cream man power rankings for anybody with a fully developed palate. Yes I am talking about idiot kids that buy those Spider-Man/SpongeBob icee monstrosity with gum balls that taste like shit and almost always look like they've been rotting in a casket for 6 months.
I am actually convinced that some random employee at Klondike jokingly suggested they kill the Choco Taco to overcome whatever supply issues the company is facing, a moronic middle manager that has never eaten ice cream in his life picked up the idea then ran with it, and somehow it ended with the Choco Taco's death.
However, I have had a bunch of people pepper me with tweets like this about Klondike looking to bring back the Choco Taco, like it was a cause for celebration.
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I want to believe in this dream like I believed in the 2022 Mets before the season began, when I picked them to win 96 games despite losing Jacob deGrom. However, I know bullshit when I see it and that tweet REEKS of it.
I'm a parent. I know what it means when you say that you'll do something in the future to people yelling at you, whether it's customers on the internet or kids in the back of your minivan. Saying you are working on something for YEARS is a nice way of telling someone to kindly fuck off.
Those Klondike cowards are looking to kick the can down the road until another beloved culinary staple gets axed and causes outrage on the internet. I thought the idea of this all being a publicity stunt was offensive. But now they are insulting our intelligence!
So what do we do? Tweet nonstop at Klondike? Start a revolution in every frozen food aisle around the country? Cry?
No. We scour every convenience store, deli, and ice cream man looking for one last Choco Taco fix so we can say a proper goodbye. Don't hoard them like those assholes that bought up all the toilet paper when the Rona started spreading like mustard either. That makes us no better than the monsters at Klondike that put us in this situation.
Instead get a Choco Taco, throw it in the freezer, and save it for after an especially good work day, school day, or meal.
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Also my guy Kyle told the most beautifully heartbreaking story I have ever read on Twitter this morning and if I have to read it with tears welling in my eyes, so do you.
If you have any friends, family members, or children in your life that have never had a Choco Taco, get them one too so they can experience the magic before they are wiped from the planet. I know it seems cruel to give them a taste of heaven before it's ripped away. But as the old saying goes: It's better to have loved and lost than live with regret. Big Pun said that, so you know it's true.
I didn't think we'd end with a Big Pun song when I started writing this blog but it just feels right because I'm sure he loved the Choco Taco just as much as I do. #RIPBigPun #RIPChocoTaco