In Honor Of The Choco Taco's Untimely Death, Here Are The Definitive Power Rankings Of Ice Cream Truck Treats
Jochen Tack. Shutterstock Images.Every year I figure out a way to republish this throwback blog since I put a ton of work into it and remember it doing pretty good numbers back when Portnoy didn't know what the fuck a podcast was.
Unfortunately the news that triggered this lazy republication during a dead time for sports was the death of the Choco Taco.
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Let's all take a minute to say goodbye to a legend.
Anyway, here are my power rankings from 2016 that are still relevant today considering the ice cream truck business isn't exactly cutting edge outside of when they slit the throats of the legends in the industry. I am not only including ice cream in the rankings since the ice cream man is so much more than merely a pusher of frozen treats.
Candy Division Champion: Big League Chew
When I think of the ice cream truck, I am usually thinking summer or little league games as a kid. And if you are thinking about little league, you are thinking of packing a massive lipper like Matt Harvey with some Big League Chew. And if we are picking a specific flavor, it's Ground Ball Grape every single time.
2020 Update: Reading the name Matt Harvey makes me so sad since all the shenanigans and injuries that ended his career are going to overshadow this legendary moment that should have defined his equally legendary career:
Non-Ice Cream, Non-Candy Division Champion: David Sunflower Seeds.
I love sunflower seeds. I used to get the giant Costco buckets of them for the summer and just plow through them while playing wiffle ball. As I have gotten older, I admit that I am starting to get washed up. I do love for the low salt version if possible because my mouth burns like Jimmy Duggan's dick once did.
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I feel like David's has tricked us by selling smaller seeds in their regular bag so we have to buy jumbo to get a good seed and that is a goddamn shame.
Now let's move on to the frozen treats since they are essentially the product that signs the ice cream man's checks.
10. Firecracker
This is basically an honorable mention for me since I don't like Firecrackers. I'm not a huge blue raspberry guy and the lemon isn't great. But they are so American, I would be remiss to leave them off the list entirely.
9. Chocolate Eclair/Strawberry Shortcake/Almond Crunch/etc.
Basically all the same, just changes on what you are in the mood for that day. I feel like back in the day, these Good Humor flavors ruled the roost. But time has pass all of them by as the ice cream industry had its revolution. But again, out of respect for America, I have included them on the list.
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8. Push Up Pop
The Push Up Pop makes the list because it had such a unique consistency and made sherbert hot in the streets again. And I call it sherbert. Fuck that sherbet nonsense.
It also has to be said that the Flintstones need to be on the Push Up Pops to make them list worthy. Not sure why this is, but it just doesn't feel right without a Flintstone on that cardboard that you usually end up sucking on by the end. Shout out to the marketing genius that listed it being "fortified with vitamin C" to trick stupid parents into thinking these things were remotely healthy.
7. Drumstick
I don't think I need to do much to sing the Drumstick's praises. It is an icon in the game. But I will say that when you forget that the bottom of the drumstick has fudge inside, it gives you a feeling usually reserved when you are between the sheets with your lover.
Sorry, I just wanted to be gross and say the word lover. Such a creep word.
6. Bubble Play
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A classically underrated treat. Really good cherry flavor and the baseball gum had seams, which was appreciated. However, Bubble Play loses points because the gum would lose its flavor in 5 seconds flat and the gumball may have shattered your teeth if you bit into it while it still was frozen solid. If you weren't taught how to eat a Bubble Play the right way the first time you had one, you were probably going to the dentist later that day for emergency surgery.
I had a Screwball after this blog was initially written and while they are good, I don't think I can add them considering I've only had them a couple of times.
And please don't chirp me about Sonic The Hedgehog, the Ninja Turtles, or Sponge Bob versions of this. Bubble Play owns the bubble gum + ice cream corner because I'm American plus those ices always look like freakshows.
5. Snickers Ice Cream Bar
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I could be wrong about this, but I feel like I remember when these things first hit the streets and it was an absolute GAME CHANGER. It was like when Jenna Jameson took over the porn world. You just knew you were watching greatness the moment you set your eyes on it and still can make it move til this day.
4. Ice Cream Sandwich
Old faithful. Whoever perfected the softness of those two wafers and the ice cream should be inducted into the American Hall of Fame. Is there an American Hall of Fame? If not, we need an American Hall of Fame and the ice cream sandwich inventor is a first ballot inductee. I don't care if he is from another country or what. He's American now and he's going into our Hall of Fame.
3. Chipwich
The evolutionary ice cream sandwich. If the ice cream sandwich is Avon Barksdale then the Chipwich is Marlo Stanfield. The game's the same, it just got more fierce.
I still can't believe the amount of shit my guy Eddie got for taking the Chipwich 1-1 in the Dog Walk draft is maybe the most preposterous thing I've ever seen. It's elite!!!
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2. Choco Taco
I think the Choco Taco is the best ice cream treat in the game. A+ name. A+ game. Everything you want in an ice cream treat. It would be number 1 with a bullet if not for nostalgia and such a unique blend of ingredients. But just know that I have NOTHING but love for the Choco Taco in my heart, even if it is rated 2. It is the 2012 Mike Trout of this list.
2022 Update: How the fuck do you essentially cut Mike Trout from your team Klondike?!? Especially after you admit he's a fan favorite AND top seller!
Answer me you dumb fucking polar bear!
For the record Klondike was never on these rankings because they chip way too easily, which can cause outright chaos. And even if they stay together, they melt before you know it.
Thankfully we finally have a politician addressing an issue that the American people are clamoring for.
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My war with you is far from over Klondike, you big stupid bitch.
1. WWF Ice Cream Bars
And here is our 2012 Miguel Cabrera (even though I still think Mike Trout should have been the MVP that season). The WWF Ice Cream bars were sooooo fucking good and sooooo fucking awesome just because they had the wrestlers on the pops back in the 90s. How did they have the technology for that back then? The precision of those graphics printed on a soft cookie is is the clearest proof for me that aliens exist and their technology is used in today's society.
And let's not forgot that you got a free wrestling card with every bar. I'm pretty sure if you pull out one of those cards at any given moment, you instantly get laid. Actually that may not be true, but it should be.
WWE actually rereleased these bars as a remixed ice cream sandwich without the stick, chocolate, card, or same exact cookie. As a slave the to the snack game I had them and they aren't bad but they aren't the GOAT either. Nonetheless, the fact my TOP 2 ice creams are dead is a black eye for the ice cream industry, who I suspect may be run by Rob Manfred given these facts. Fucking morons.
Okay, I can feel my blood pressure starting to rise thinking about all this, which ironically isn't be helped by all the ice cream treats I ate over the years. So I am going to end the blog pledging to you all I will do everything in my power to bring back the Choco Taco. And if anything happens to the Chipwich, we riot.