Dumping Them Out: The World's Greatest Bit

John Rich4/29/2024 2:00 AM

Welcome back to yet another episode of Dumping Them Out. I'm coming to you fresh off 4,000 words of what was likely the stupidest blog I've wrote since starting at Barstool Sports. And I've wrote a lot of stupid blogs. I thought it would be a good idea to grade every single player taken by every single team in the NFL Draft based on their names alone. I thought it would be fun to write. Strangely enough, I thought it might even be funny to read. Which I think was, for about 12 teams. But god damn it there are only so many ways you can say "this guy has a good name" and "this guy has a bad name" until you just sound like you're repeating yourself. For a writer I have a very poor vocabulary. Also, as it turns out, most names aren't that interesting. Turns out a lot of them are super regular.

Not that I wrote about every single player in the draft, but I sure did go through them all. God bless the brave souls who read that entire thing. I pray for them. I at least threw in an intermissions worth of Boob GIFs as a reward for those who persevered. It was the least I could do. Here's the blog if you have a the rest of the evening to kill.

I'm probably being too hard on myself. There's some good stuff in there. But judging 257 names based on their names is too many names for any man to sift through in a single sitting.

So now I'd like to talk about literally anything that isn't NFL Draft related. Nothing even sports related. Let's see what wacky things the r/offbeat Reddit page has for me to mooch off of.

Here we go… a wacky story indeed.

She's 101-years old you see. The computer thinks she's 1 due to a glitch. American Airlines must have one of those computers that can only handle two digit numbers. Kind of like during Y2K when all of our computers exploded and the world turned to dust the second the clocks switched from 1999-2000.

Luckily, 101-year old women and 1 year old babies are similar in a lot of ways. Which reminds me of the greatest bit ever told. A bit done by stand-up comedians since stand-up comedy was first invented by whoever invented stand-up comedy. Problem Benjamin Franklin or something.

The joke goes like this (paraphrasing)

"Folks, I'm proud to announce I'm a new dad! ..applause break that registers 2.5 on the Richter scale.. Thank you, thank you, I know I'm a hero. But here's one thing they don't tell you about babies… they shit their pants A LOT! ..uproarious laughter.. I'll tell you what, I'm knee deep in baby shit from dusk to dawn. My parents are also getting older. As it turns out… babies and old people have a lot in common! ..*chuckles, nods of approval.. For one, everything they say is nonsense. Secondly, they always need your help to do the simplest things! (here's comes the punchline) And would you believe it… the other day… my dad shit his britches! ..crowd rushes the stage, carries the comedian out on their shoulders, burn down the comedy club*.. - The Worlds Greatest Bit

I should do stand up comedy again. I got this shit down pat.

Let's see what else Reddit has for me…

It's seems very on brand for a Catholic Priest to get addicted to a Candy Crush in the year of our lord, 2024. I used to crush candy myself back in 2014. Typically I would crush candy immediately after crushing Adderall. I'd indulge in my stimulants, prepare myself to study, then have the brilliant thought, "Let me just fire up a little Candy Crush while I wait for this Adderall to kick in. I'll start studying in about 30 minutes."

8 hours later I'm in the midst of a Candy Crush run the likes of which this world has never seen. I'm swiping right, swiping left, swiping up, swiping down. I'm swiping directions you haven't even heard of. Candies are crushing all over the place. In that moment, I was God. What a time to be alive.

Despite my Candy Crush addiction, amongst various other, I somehow managed to graduate and get a job. Looking back I'm still not quite sure how I accomplished that.

Ok one more story to bring it home.

This isn't actually a story, but does anybody else follow this ArtButMakeItSports (@ArtButSports) guy on Twitter? He's become one of my favorite follows. He just takes random pictures from around the world of sports, and matches it with a piece of classic art.

Obviously they're not all perfect matches. But they're pretty damn close. And he does them at such a high rate. He's typically making multiple posts per day. I've seen people try to call him out for using some sort of AI search tool, but every time someone makes that claim there's replies that insist they've seen him do it. Apparently he just has a crazy amount of art knowledge. I found a random interview that he did on YouTube, and he seems to be legit.

I wouldn't say he's the most charismatic dude on the internet. He sure knows his art though. He's a bit of a one trick pony, but he's great at what he does. At this point I'm sure getting tons of submissions from fans, which probably makes his job a lot easier, but I have a feeling he's still finding his own matches. The dude just has a massive folder full of random art. I can appreciate anybody who's doing something unique on the internet. It's hard to find that nowadays.