Opening Wine Without A Bottle Opener 101

Big date night this past Sunday so I naturally put on my best intramural basketball t-shirt/mesh shorts combo and pick out the finest $6.99 Cabernet Avignon bottle Center City Wine & Spirits had to offer before ordering the Domino’s. Was going to go with boxed wine and Wendy’s, but this is a special lady we’re talking about here. Get to the woman’s and, surprise, surprise – she’s has no bottle opener whatsoever. The broad has 3 different types of juicers and multiple can openers just so her damn cat has the option to survive the apocalypse, but not one fucking corkscrew. Actually thought it was a law for women to own one of those damn Houdini things. Well, desperate times called for desperate measures. I was getting to that alcohol before any forced conversations I clearly didn’t want to be apart of started to take place.

Thank Christ for Google and YouTube, but this is what came up to open a wine bottle without a bottle opener:

Just that easy, eh? This smug British shit just thinks he can tap, tap, tapparoo the bottle on a wall and in shoe and the cork will magically come loose? Skeptical at best. But there’s only one way to find out for the people.

To the fire escape we go! (yeah the volume sucks and you can’t hear, sue me):

America: 1 – Sobriety: 0.

Throwing out your arm and the constant threat of severing veins in your wrist once the entire bottle shatters aside, I’d say the technique is a rousing success. Proceed with caution, but it is simple as that, people.