In Honor Of Their 4th Straight Opening Day Loss, Here's The Philadelphia Phillies All-Time Starting Bum Lineup

(I posted a variation of this last year, but for obvious reasons it’s going to be relevant for at least another season. Or 5.)

Well, the Phillies are back to normal. And by back to normal I mean the 2007-2011 run of majesty has been dead for awhile and now we can get back to what we’re used to as the franchise with the most losses in sports history: Sucking. I am reminded of all the years of godly awful teams that were the needle shoved into the dick of the Philly baseball faithful. Being born in the mid-’80’s and realistically remembering games only from the early’90’s on, I had one winning season during my youth until 2001, and still suffered in mediocrity until 2007. Other than that glorious, sauced up year of 1993, we were forced to deal with under-talented, over-paid, Ed Wade “untouchables” and now Ruben Amaro flameouts. Here is the collective starting Phillies bum-team from this time period (Sidenote: there are no players on this or last year’s team because they would take up 99% of the roster):

OF: Gregg Jeffries

I don’t know if this was a Lee Thomas or Ed Wade bust signing. Whoever it was had a momentary baseball IQ of Ed the chimp from that shitty Matt LeBlanc baseball movie, assuming the monkey was mentally challenged. Don’t want to insult the chimp.

OF: Jason Michaels – Who needs to be good at baseball when you went to The U and can live off the sweat of Pat Burrell’s taint and beat up cops?

OF: Wendell McGee

Because some people should never make it to the show, let alone be there with the Phillies for 5 years in a row.

3B: David Bell – Daddy’s boy and the only guy ever that steroids didn’t improve.

2B: Marlon Anderson – Oversized bum. Mets picked up our sloppy seconds. Well done Mets.

1B: Travis Lee

Former #1 overall pick. Current probable car salesmen in Florida. One of 4 the great players we got for Schilling.

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SS: Desi Relaford – Undersized bum. Mets picked up our sloppy seconds. Well done Mets.

C: Rod Barajas

Pictured here blocking the plate almost as well as his colon blocks Burritos.

385 lb of pure Mexican that siestad his way through the Phillies. Now somehow 9 of his 10 home runs every year come off of us.

UT: Jeremy Giambi – Well done Wade. Got the right brother.

He was portrayed greatly in Moneyball, too. What a loser.

SP: Omar Daal – One of the 4 great players we got for Schilling.

SP: Adam Eaton – One of Ed Wade’s famous “Untouchables”. Because who needs established talent to win now when you’re always a couple years away.

SP: Vicente Padilla – One of the 4 great players we got for Schilling.

SP: Mark Leiter – Well done Wade. Got the right brother, again.

SP: Nelson Figueroa – One of the 4 great players we got for Schlling. Oh, and Schilling went on to have about 8 more dominating years and won 2 3 rings. What a gem of a trade that was!

RP: Wayne Gomes – Picked # 4 overall. Players picked shortly after him: Chris Carpenter, Torri Hunter, Derrick Lee

RP: Turk Wendell – Brushed teeth inbetween innings. Gave up game winning home runs during innings.

RP: Ugueth Urbina – Actually not that bad of a pitcher till he decided to return home to Venezuela and lite people on fire while attacking them with a machete. If he’s out of jail I wouldn’t mind bringing him in for a workout. Love the killer edge.

Closer: Billy Wagner

Cowboy hat AND a bluetooth? Go back to Texas, douchenuts.

Way to step it up when it mattered Billy. At least you didn’t make any excuses or call out the fans like an asshole.

Manager: Terry Francona –

Ed: “You know, I put the pieces in place for you to win in Philly.” Terry: “You look like a ferret with down syndrome.”

Wait, he has 2 rings now? Oh yeah, he didn’t have Carlton Loewer as his opening day starter with the Red Sox. Guess that gives you a better chance to win.