I Don't Know How To Feel That Carson Wentz Allegedly Slept On An Air Mattress In College

Around draft time, things were in the works for EDP and I to head into the frozen tundra of North Dakota to get a feeling for our apparent Ginger Savior. ND is big Stoolie territory (especially now with Philly as Dave Hakstol was once their King) so we had no issue getting connections for the video. The main focus of our plan was to meet up with Wentz’s roommates and get a real feel for where he lived and what the kid is like. They were all about it but they just had to check with Carson’s agency to see if there would be any sort of issue. I mean, there shouldn’t be an issue with a gritty, every day Joe like Wentz being associated with one of the most popular, young entertainment websites where the tagline is “By The Common Man, For The Common Man”, right? Ha. Those old heads scoffed in our faces and forbid anyone close to the Ginger to touch Barstool with a 10-meter cattle prod. I mean, I guess I can’t blame them for protecting their client from having his future son’s howitzer blasted across the universe anything that could even be considered controversial. When your portray yourself as a tough, lunchpail guy that would endear to Philly I suppose going the goober route with billions of cheesy endorsements is the way to go:

Look, I don’t blame him for cashing these checks. I’d give my other buttcheek to Tide for a lot less. It just royally sucks to how corporate this damn game has become.

But onto the air mattress. In our correspondence through Carson Wentz’s roomies, this little tidbit was thrown our way, and I quote:

“Carson actually lives on an air mattress in the basement, so that’s pretty funny.”

Funny?!?!? I feel like Tommy from Goodfellas here about to rage. Funny, how? It’s not humorous one bit. In fact, it confuses the FUCK out of me and what I want to expect from a Super Bowl winning franchise QB. On one hand I love Wentz’s humility. That probably could’ve been a bale of hay and it wouldn’t have mattered. I can see him like Rocky in the Soviet Union waking up and getting after the day. Stuff like this builds character.

But on the other hand, it’s a motherfucking air mattress. I was a pasta slinging broke ass blogger sleeping on an air mattress for a considerable amount of time. It’s umpossible to expect anything from me then, now, or the future. Once you sink to that level of bum it scars you for life. This kid’s the #2 overall pick expecting to lead a team into destiny. Not to mention it’s the furthest thing from healthy. My back is as crooked as a question mark because of those dark, depressing nights. Plus just putting yourself at risk of getting launched to the moon by drunk roommates was simply stupid thinking on his part. 40 Wonderlic my dick. So, yeah, I’m rooting for the kid, but this air mattress is putting my mind in a pretzel.