Here's What All Of Those Stupid Hockey Terms Mean For Those Of You Who Are New To The Sport But Want To Watch The Playoffs

The 2015 Stanley Cup Playoffs start tonight and it’s that time of the year that EVERYBODY should fall in love with hockey. I know that there are people out there who aren’t avid fans of the sport and hate the hockey hardos that try to shove it down their throats, but playoff hockey is the greatest and is worth all of your time. So if you fall into the category of people who are going to be giving hockey a shot tonight for the start of the playoffs, you’re probably going to hear a ton of dumbass lingo that means nothing to you. So to make the game more enjoyable and less confusing for you, here’s a quick little dictionary of what to expect.

Terms Regarding Actual Play

Snipe: a very accurate and precise shot. Typically ends up in a corner.

Cheddar: the top shelf of the net. The upper 90s for you soccer folk. Commonly referred to as either “Sniping Cheddar” or just “Top Cheddar”

Clapper: a slap-shot. Could also be known as a “Clap Bomb”.

Top Titty: interchangeable with Cheddar.

Apples: assists

Ginos: goals

Zing: a snipe that either comes in at laser speed or stings off the post before going into the net.

Bardown: a shot that hits off the crossbar and then drops immediately to the ice and in the net. A bardown can be considered a snipe, going top cheddar/titty, could possibly be a clapper, a gino and a zing. Bardowns are sick.

Sauce: most commonly used when describing putting a little air under the puck when passing and from player A to player B, using the puck as a saucer. But can also be used in reference to a dirty move.

Slick/Silky Mitts: nice stick-handling.

Dangle:

Chirps

Chirp: shit talk

Hoser: before the days of Zambonis, the losing team of each game would have to hose down the ice after the game. Hoser is a pretty fucked up thing to call someone.

Bender: guys who can’t even stand up straight on their skates without their ankles bending inward.

Duster: guys who just look dusty as shit out there. Zero style whatsoever.

Plug: shouldn’t be on the team. Just there to plug up a roster spot.

Grocery Stick: Like when you’re checking out of the grocery store and you use the stick to separate which groceries are yours from which groceries are the person’s ahead of you. A grocery stick in hockey sits on the bench and just separates the defense from the offense. Doesn’t get any ice time themselves.

Bookmark: same idea as Grocery Stick.

Pigeon: Idk.

Other:

Mitts: gloves

Bucket: helmet

Celly:

Beaut: a guy who looks A1 and plays A1. He’s steaksauce all around. Or just describing an individual play that makes your jaw drop.

Barn: the rink/arena

Grinder: a guy who battles in the corners and isn’t afraid to do the dirty work to get his team the W. Just battles away out there every shift.

Greasy: hard-working play. Grinders typically make some greasy plays.

Wheel: skate, but can also be referring to pulling girls.

Peanut Butter: What Coach Quenneville (and Chief) say after Blackhawks goals.

Tastykakes: Flyers suck and aren’t in the playoffs so you won’t be hearing this very often. But Tastykakes are goals and Tastykakes are life.

I hope this was helpful for some of you. And for the rest of you, I very much look forward to hearing about how dumb and pointless it was.