Early Scouting Reports On Every Player For The Undefeated Barstool Softball Team
Your very own 2-0 Barstool Softball team captured its second victory to the tune of 8-1 last evening. This squad is really coming together as a ballclub while playing some of the worst athletic talent ever put together on the coed softball diamond. Let’s check out some of the ballpalyers we’ve got thus far:
OM Brett – 3B/Stand-In Softball Player For “The Ellen Show” Team
Strengths – The rocket for an arm.
Needs Improvement – The rocket for an arm.
Kim Jung Song and Brigadier General Francis Xavier Hummel (great movie, better man) can fire away all the rockets they please, but they’re useless without the guidance chips. Relax and aim small, miss small, Bretto.
Robbie Fox – OF/Smalls
Strengths – Swift on his feet as well as a solid contact hitter for a 13-year-old playing in an adult beer league. Also has the restraint to not play his Star Wars toys in the outfield. No word on his Wendy Peffercorn. Yet.
Needs Improvement – Tenacity. Need less Robbie Fox, more Octagon Bog. That includes ditching the hipster Converse sneakers and rope belt for appropriate athletic apparel. Damn millennials. Jesus Christ.
Young Pageviews – 2B/Poor Man’s Pee-Wee Reese
Strengths – Solid overall game with a knack for getting robbed at the plate.
Needs Improvement – His concept of reality. As evident when you see the next Stool Scenes in which it’ll be edited so he’ll look like a God on the diamond while certain others will seem like their motor skills didn’t evolve past the Precambrian Era.
Big Cat – P/Softball Bear
Strengths – Big Cat’s Big Arm. The man is your prototypical old school, old man softball pitcher. He knows how the game is played and adjusts accordingly. You get one strike? He’s arcing that puppy to the sky with enough revolution on the ball it messes with the Earth’s rotation. Men and women are also considered equals, and prey, on the diamond.
Needs Improvement – Big Cat’s Big Mouth. Specifically when he’s VERY vocal against the meatstick types on the other team because they’re sporting batting gloves to the plate (while being useless – SHOCKER). We almost had a situation in basketball where Big Cat was starting shit with a fella with the same dimensions as Shaq. The last thing we need is the Albert Belle of softball charging the mound cause Big Cat insulted his stir-ups.
Captain Cons – OF/1B/Enforcer
Strengths – Aggressiveness. Never have I ever seen a grown man stretch an infield single into a triple with the defense committing 0 errors. Seriously. That doesn’t happen in real life outside of tee-ball and women’s high school state softball championships.
Needs Improvement – Love the tenacity, but heaven help some poor lady who attempts to block the plate when Cons comes charging in to score to go up by 13. And you think Charlie Hustle running over Ray Fosse was dramatic…and pointless. There’s no off button for glory.
Big Daddy Trent – 2B/1B/Team Husker
Strengths – Pure country boy strength. I mean, look at this hack.
Do you put that swing in a museum? No. No you do not. That is one ugly hack. But Big Daddy’s country boy prowless launched it into the night’s sky.
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Needs Improvement – Fielding. What Trent has in strength he lacks in nimbleness. Somebody get a fungo and Tom Emanski with his back-to-back-to-back AAU Championships on the line cause we’ve gotta lotta infield to do. Trent’s what you call a “Stabber” as he catches the ball. And it’s tough having an OJ at first, or anywhere for that matter.
Intern Fran – OF/Coed Softball Player
Strengths – Fran made contact and has a throwing motion. Win-win all around.
Needs Improvement – I’ve been informed I’m safer if I solely encourage women and their outstanding abilities towards achieving all their hopes and dreams in this world. Good job, Fran! Huzzah!
Glenny Balls – Manager/DH/Beer Baron
Strengths – Skips knows his role and doesn’t try to do too much. He makes the lineup. He struts to the plate when asked. He guards the beer cooler.
Needs Improvement – Just gonna throw it out there, Glenny K’d last night. He went down swinging, but still, not the best look for slow pitch softball where Stephen Hawking with a toothpick could make contact. Also, it has been established that if someone goes down looking they are hereby benched for a game. Can’t backward’s K in slow pitch softball. Won’t. What’s right is right.
Frankie Borelli – OF/Resident Chapstick
Strengths – Frankie’s soft, delicate features give him the ability to be light on his feet, as well as in the loafers.
Needs Improvements – Too many pop flies at the lead off spot. Less Omar Epps and more Weslie Snipes if you wanna be Willie Mays Hays at the top of the order, please.
PFT – LF/Head Of Scouting
Strengths – Decent bat, better glove, the BEST at noticing deficiencies on the other team and taking advantage of every opportunity. PFT saw the opposing Left Fielder walk off the field and states we could run on his laziness all day. He wasn’t wrong.
Needs Improvement – Might have to bite the bullet and have Marlins Woman play as a female if/when we get light on the estrogen. We require a minimum of 2 ladies on the field or else it’s a forfeit. Either that or we give Frankie a wig or, as Bill Burr deliciously puts it, dress him up like John Goodman in Rosanne and call it a life. We also caught him changing the batteries to his vibrator mid-inning in the outfield. Not the best look.
Hank – 1B/OF/Utility Go-To Producer
Strengths – Henry’s magical mitt. The Hank formerly known as Handsome flashes the leather well at 1B, in the OF, and even tried to snake his way in at 3B last game. Why is a lefty trying to take over the Hot Corner? I’m not sure. Best ask Skip, cause I’ll be damned if that kind of Tomfoolery happens at 3B, 2B, or catcher on my watch.
Needs Improvement – Henry Hubris. Up 8-1 in the bottom of the last inning after a routine 1st out, the esteemed producer from his hot seat/cool throne at 1B attempted to throw the ball around the horn. Nope. Not gonna happen. It’s possibly the most disrespectful move any baseball/softball team can do if you’re not playing at a varsity high school baseball/softball level or above. This isn’t ‘Nam, this is Coed Softball. There are rules. Especially when it’s a timed game we’re trying to fit in under an hour. Hank’s a good egg and didn’t do it maliciously, but we live an learn.
Ria – Catcher/Sass Long Island Representative
Strengths – Good contact in the 2 hole and only bounced the ball past Big Cat a half dozen or so times. Not too shabby one bit.
Needs Improvement – Same as Fran, no improvement needed. Perfect as is. Another huzzah for women!
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Smitty – SS/Recreational King
Strengths – Sending softballs towards South America. Yam Central.
Needs Improvement – Hardoness. Did he just make contact…off a woman pitcher? Try harder, you fucking hardo loser asshole.
Plus, is that a knee sleeve? This hardo tears his ACL and shatters his tibia a decade ago at hardo college and wears it while running to deal with an arthritic hardo knee? What an attention craved hardo of the hardest hardened hardo.
Other players expected to take the field:
Feits – Our very own Jenny Finch, just less attractive while donning a larger sports bra.
Riggs – “WILD call from that ump! Absolutely WILD! If it were any more WILD it would be ELECTRIC.”
Nate – We’d prefer a Bat Dog for the position but we only have one leash in the office and it’s currently reserved for Nate.
Pres – I can hear his shoulder allegedly hurt from here.
Till next week, it’s about integrity. respect the rules of the game.