‘Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice’ Will Clock In At An Ass-Numbing 2 Hours And 31 Minutes

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CB – We all know that Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice is poised to be a behemoth of a movie. Starting out as a simple sequel to Man of Steel, the film has grown to the point where it really represents the jumping off point for the entire DC Extended Universe. With that in mind, the story simply cannot be told in a quick 90-minute film. We’ve always figured Batman V Superman would be long, but now we know the exact length of the final product. A new update to the AMC Theaters website confirms that the run time Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice will clock in at two hours and thirty-one minutes.

Hey, Hollywood: Congrats. We both know you have our balls in a vice. That’s a given. Hell, Star Wars movie could’ve solely consisted of C-3PO butt fingering Chewbacca for 3.5 hours and it would’ve still grossed a billion dollars to rave reviews. Same thing with this new Batman V. Superman movie. It doesn’t matter what happens or how good/bad/long it’s going to be. You might as well have cashed the checks to straight cash homie once the flick was green lit. And now the fine paying customers have the pleasure of spending 2.5 hours making sure their buttcheeks don’t become one with their seats.

What is this, The Godfather? Freaking Gettysburg? Wrap everything up in a nice, neat little package of 2 hours and call it a day. There’s no rhyme or reason this movie to run as an Epic. ESPECIALLY since we all know what’s going to go down during the entire thing. I ranted on this before, but thanks Hollywood for releasing previews that essentially tell every damn plot point and surprise in the film.

For real. Every single predictable act in this damn thing was shown in that 3 minutes. Act I: Bruce Wayne is Batman and makes his way to Metropolis where him and Clark Kent/Superman get feisty like two little school girls. Act II: Lex Luthor does something to make them turn against each other. It’s obvious Kyrptonite is involved or else Batman wouldn’t stand a chance. They even show Superman de-masking Batman, a detail that is so unnecessary to know going into the movie. Act III: They kiss and make up to defeat Lex Luthor’s Doomsday and have a beef-off to see who is going to slay Wonder Woman – Whose appearance is another fact that could’ve been easily left out of the trailer even if she was announced before. And there you have it. Besides the Joker references the only thing left to find out is how to get Michael Bay’d into Bolivian. Thanks for even trying, Hollywood.

Oh, and Zach Snyder is grossly overrated.  300 was the certified tits.  Watchman was decent (best part was the damn opening credits) but it would have been great if they cut it down to an even 4.5 hours.  Other than that?  Man Of Steel, Dawn Of The Dead* and Sucker Punch were all very, very meh.  Hopefully making one of the squirreliest, non-threatening Jews on Earth in Jesse Eisenberg actually look legit as a psychopathic Lex Luther is a start of good things to come.

Also, Doug Stamper was the dickbag security guard in Dawn Of The Dead.  The more you know…

doug

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