An Open Letter To Carson Wentz On How To Assimilate Yourself In Philadelphia

Dear Carson,

Listen man, let’s get the obvious out of the way first: WIN A FUCKING SUPER BOWL FOR US AND YOU WON’T BUY ANOTHER BEVERAGE IN THIS TOWN AGAIN. Okay, I am sorry, I had to get that off my chest. You are now entering the most crazed, lethal, and desperate fan-base you have ever seen. Here’s some tips for your first few days in Philly and as an Eagle:

Don’t ever come after or question the fans, you will get verbally destroyed and socially shunned, just ask your new teammate Lane Johnson.

Show up to McGillin’s, crush Creed on Karaoke and then leave. People will respect it.

Go to Jim’s for a cheesesteak. Bring cash, the ATM fee is fucking devilish there.

Stay FAR FAR FAR away from Wildwood. You can not unsee the stuff you may see down there. No act of confession can save you from Wildwood, my brother.

Get your hands on TastyKakes immediately. Go for the Kandy Kakes and the Krimpets. Buy em’, throw them into the fridge for roughly 10 minutes, then enjoy. You are welcome.

Get a dog, everyone likes someone who has a dog. Name him Rocky, Philly people will hoot and holler about that for weeks.

Go to Wawa. Go with the Classic 10’ hoagie, chicken strips, bacon, sweet peppers, a little mayo, salt and pepper. (They have the best soft pretzels too unlike those losers at the Philly
Pretzel Factory)

Avoid Rita’s Water Ice. Overpriced and average as shit.

Bait Sam Bradford into a High-five, then fake him out. He will soon know who the boss is, but make sure you Vine it so we all can laugh.

Avoid any debates about whether Villanova is considered Philly or not. It’s a slippery slope that never ends.

I’m sure there are like technical football tips but the only one I can think of is WIN THE DAMN SUPER BOWL.

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Your new best friend,

Brosh

Ps- Wiffle soon