Vladamir Putin Put Out His Own Calendar And Its Electric

KFC1/04/2016 4:30 PM

Moscow (CNN)- Fans of Vladimir Putin can now spend “the whole year with the Russian president” as a new 2016 limited edition calendar is released in Russia showing the country’s strongman leader in a variety of carefully-crafted poses. Every month features an inspiring photograph of Russia’s popular leader — either fishing topless, going to church, lifting weights, or dressed in naval uniform. Each image is accompanied by a quotation from the man himself, on topics ranging from his love of dogs, Russian women and fishing to the country’s growing military power. Dogs and Putin have “warm feelings” for one another, we learn in November. In March we are told that Russian women are the “most beautiful.” The 2016 Putin calendar was published by a tabloid Russian newspaper, Zvezdi I Soveti (Stars and Advice), which says it printed 200,000 copies. Unsurprisingly, in a country where Putin’s popularity ratings regularly top 80%, the calendars have been a big hit and are already selling out.

Listen I’m not one of these Vladamir Putin dicksuckers. I’m American. I want to idolize the American President. But in case you havent noticed the state of affairs at the White House isnt exactly inspiring. And then you got Vladamir Putin going Arnold Schwarzenegger/Zoolander on the glossy pages of a pin up calendar and it just adds insult to injury. There aint a single Presidential Candidate that could inspire with a photo shoot like this.

We begin with Vladdy on the cover in his Brett Favre Wrangler jeans. Sleeves rolled up like a weatherman who’s reporting on a hurricane. Blazer casually tossed over his shoulder saying “Yea I’m the President but I’m also here to take you on a date and probably fuck you at the end of it.”

January (I think. I dont read Russian good. Not even sure Russia follows the Roman Calendar. Feel like they make up their own rules.)

Lighting candles at church in a turtleneck is Putin’s way of easing into this shit. We’ve got 11 months to go, hes not gonna blow his load with a home run picture in January. But along comes February and BANG:

We’re cookin with gas. Fur hat. Dick bulging out of his fur pants. Leaning up against a tree. Horse thats majestic as SHIT. This picture lets you know Vladdy is elegant as all fuck, but Blue Steele look on his face lets you know hes comfortable on the frozen tundras of Russia. Man of the people.

March

Oh look at this! Its March! Spring has sprung! Life is returning and I’m jacked in my tight shirt with a pair of blue eyes that makes all the bitches at the Kremlin wet.

April

Hard working. Alpha male. Jackhammer.

May

I love how we gotta get 5 months into the year before we even see Putin in a suit looking like an actual President.

June

Got the kids of Russia clamoring for his autograph like he’s a goddam rock star. Like he’s the leader of a Boy Band. Probably signed a few pairs of tits Happy Gilmore style too

July

I believe this is what we call “The Money Shot.” Putin constructed an entire calendar around this one shot. He was like alright lets go stage 11 more picture so this masterpiece can be disseminated to the masses. Shirt off, cocky smile, and what you cant see is that off camera he’s got that fishing hook through the mouth of some pussy from the Ukraine.

August

Just kidding, just kidding. He was reeling in this big ass fish because hes the number 1 politician on the planet.

September

Putin: “I’m going to fuck you after this dance. You know that right?”

Chick: “??”

September

Just in case that cutesy dancing picture gave you a false sense of weakness, Vladimir comes off the top rope with a death stare that screams “I will kill you with my bare hands…”

October

“…but I still have a heart!” Putin snuggling with a fluffy puppy shows the many sides of this man without flashing any weakness. A man’s love for a dog is a sign of strength.

November