Pedals The Bear Who Walks On Two Feet Murdered In Cold Blood

GothamistFor more evidence that 2016 is a total garbage year: Pedals, the black bear famed for wandering through the New Jersey suburbs on his two hind legs, might be dead. According to reports on Pedals’ Facebook page, the beloved humanlike bear may have been shot by hunters during the state’s extended black bear hunt season this week. Posters report that a hunter brought the body of a bear fitting Pedals’ description into the Green Pond check station in Rockaway. Officials have been unable to confirm the bear is indeed Pedals, but Oak Ridge resident Sabrina Pugsley, who runs Pedals’ Facebook page, says the hunter who shot the bear in question spotted his mangled front paws, Pedals’ trademark and the likely reason he walks upright. “He’s very easy to identify,” she told NorthJersey.com. “The right paw is missing and the left paw dangles.” The state Department of Environmental Protection says there’s no way to identify a bear that hasn’t been tagged or had a DNA sample taken previously, and note that rumors of Pedals’ demise are “based on hearsay accounts.” For now, Pedals’ fate is a mystery.

I’ll be honest, when I first saw Pedals the Bear slinking around like a shady motherfucker, my gut reaction was to get rid of him. Heres what I wrote over the summer:

Absolutely not. Absolutely. Not. We can’t allow this. The human race cannot allow this. The Animal Kingdom been getting too big for their britches recently and this bear strutting his shit through the backyards of Jersey is the last straw. We got monkeys rag dolling kids, gators eating people, and now fucking bears looking like they’re strolling through the grocery store trying to pick out their favorite cereal. Lookin like he’s trying to sneak back into his house after his parents went to sleep. No. Wont allow it. We gotta draw the line at animals literally trying to become humans. Otherwise its a wrap. We’ve given animals an inch by not slaughtering them and completely taking over the planet, now they’re taking a mile. Eating us and trying to be us and shit. I vote to kill Pedals right fucking now. I dont live in Bear Country of Jersey but you can bet I’ll still be throwing out some bear traps for Pedals. Highly unlikely he comes slinking down the streets of Hoboken, but this is fucking Pedals we’re talking about here. He might hop in an Uber with his buddies and come out to the Boken for a day. I mean he’s got a fucking name. How the hell does a bear even get a name? Cant be trusted.

I’m tellin you – this is a seminal moment in the eternal struggle between animals and humans. The moment we allow them to start walking upright is the beginning of the end. Thats when Planet of the Apes sorta shit starts. I mean you ever seen the chart of evolution?

 

Screen-Shot-2016-06-23-at-8.17.00-AM

This is how it starts, man. Right now Pedals advanced ass is right here: Screen-Shot-2016-06-23-at-8.17.00-AM1

 

Lets nip this in the bud right fuckin now. Not trying to let Pedals advance to that 4th stage. Not trying to let Pedals procreate and make a whole sleuth of human-bears. Get animal control out there and put an end to Pedals the human-bear and his little joy ride around the backwoods of Jersey. The fate of humankind depends on it.

Well looks like the Government listened. Some random ass New Jersey bear hunters just HAPPENED to kill the one bear on the fucking planet thats evolving into a human? Yea. Sure. This was an assassination, make no mistake about it. A hit. Pedals was whacked because he posed a threat to the human race and thats all there is to it.

I’ll be honest though, I kinda feel bad now. Poor Pedals. Caught two in the chest and one in the head and now its Eternal Sheets for this Man Bear. I know in my head we needed to execute Pedals for the good of humankind. But this bear kinda was like half a human at this point. He was half a dude. And he was slinking around town with his fucked up paws and shit. And the government game right along and killed him. In my heart I’m kinda like “Damn hes never gonna see his bear friends or bear family anymore. This upright walking motherfucker probably had favorite restaurants and favorite hangouts and shit. Probably listened to podcasts and stuff. And now hes dead as fuck. Again, I know what needed to be done. You let Pedals procreate and within a generation Human Bears inherit the earth. But that doesnt mean its not a little sad he was murdered.

Comments Are Closed

Login error messages.

- OR -

Enter your email address to reset your password.

Login error messages.

Update your Username

Update your Password