My Toy Hall Of Fame

ROCHESTER, N.Y., Nov. 15 (UPI) -- The Toy Hall of Fame in New York state announced its latest additions are dominoes and “Star Wars” action figures. The Rochester museum said Thursday a national selection committee picked the inductees from a shortlist that included classic toys such as the Magic 8 Ball, Simon, Twister, Lite-Brite, the Fisher-Price corn popper and the tea set, NBC News reported Thursday. The Rochester Democrat and Chronicle reported the “Star Wars” action figures, released in 1978, led to an increase in toys made to tie in with popular movies and TV shows. Dominoes, which were also finalists in 2010, were invented in China and later made their way to Europe.

Its officially Christmas time. Home Alone is running on ABC Family. 106.7 is playing Christmas Carols 24/7. The Salvation Army assholes are ringing their bells. And people are making their wishlists. I’m happy to see there’s a Toy Hall of Fame. Didn’t even know it existed. Glad to see Star Wars Action figures made it to the Hall, congrats George Lucas. Can’t believe dominoes just made it into the Hall of Fame this year. They were invented in China in like the fucking 1200s. How many years has dominoes been on the ballot? 700? They’re like the Bert Blyleven of the Toys Hall Of Fame.

Anyway – here is my Toy Hall of Fame. I’m leaving out all board games and video games from this list, because thats basically 2 other blogs. I’m also not really putting them in any particular order, because to be honest its just too hard to decide what toys were the best. But without further ado, KFC’s Toy Hall of Fame.

1. Nerf Bow And Arrow

The greatest toy weapon of all time. Period. Nerf nowadays are probably like real firearms. They probably hold like 80 arrows and 500 foam balls and rapid fire and shit. But for my money I’ll take the bow and arrow all day err day. I was like the Nerf Robin Hood with this shit.

2. Super Soaker 50

Probably the most perfect toy of all time. The Super Soaker 50 was literally the perfect water gun. The air pressure was a game changer. It was much bigger than the little mini squirt guns you used to have to dunk under water to fill up. But not too big that you couldn’t run around with it. Best summer time toy of all time.

3. Slip and Slide

Correction. The Super Soaker was the second best summer toy of all time. Slip and Slide was like part toy, part sport. Fuck that Crocodile Mile shit. The “jump” or the “ramp” that you were supposed to fly off at the end was just a bump that crushed your dick. Slip and Slide was the original. Only drawbacks were A) sliding when it wasn’t wet enough. Slip and Slide taught every young man a valuable life lesson they would later realize was incredibly important – don’t dive in if it isn’t wet enough. and B) You were always covered in blades of grass all over your legs.

4. Wiffle ball and bat

The cheapest, simplest way to have fun. All you needed was this bat and ball set and some sort of chair for the strike zone and bam, you had yourself an entire sport to be played.

5. Big Wheels

The first version of transportation you knew as a kid. A few years later you would graduate to Roller Blades. After that a GT or a Dyno or a Mongoose. But first there was Big Wheels. Physically impossible for anyone over the age of like 8 to ride them. Your legs needed to be the perfect stumpy length. I felt like Jax Teller cruising around the neighborhood peddling like a mad man.

6. Blue Ball

For my money, my favorite toy of all time. All I needed was a blue ball and a wall and I could play Butts Up for like 50 hours straight. Quick sidenote – the most important piece of advice ever during Butts Up is when you’re on the wall getting pegged, make sure you tuck your sack up. Nothing worse than getting a blue ball coming in the back door and smashing your testicles. Anyway, give me a roof and a Blue Ball and I’d play off the roof for days too. Or just dribbling it around, bouncing it as you walk. Whatever. Plus the smell amazing. My personal favorite.

7. GI Joes and Hot Wheels

The quint essential action figures. All due respect to Star Wars, but GI Joes are the best figures of all time. Hot Wheels edge out Transformers in my book for simplicity and their veteran status. And the red/white Ferrari that changed colors with hot and cold water was practically magic in my book.

8. Spy Tech (specifically the Good N Plenty cover for the camera)

Not sure how prevalent Spy Tech was – did you guys have this shit? They had a whole line of spy gear. Long distance microphones. Motion censors. Finger print kit. Spy glasses that let you see around corners and shit. The hidden camera was the best. It came with a Good N Plenty cover to make it look like you were just carrying a box of candy. Who the fuck eats Good N Plenty though? If I ever see someone with Good N Plenty I’m automatically assuming they are a spy and thats a cover up because nobody eats those fucking things. PS – None of this shit worked. My parents probably spent like 500 bucks buying everything in the set and I don’t think anything worked.

9. Play Doh (Honorable mention Nickelodeon Gak, Silly Putty)

Gooey shit to squeeze in your hands. Probably the most primitive form of toy ever. Play Doh is the champ, as long as you keep it in the jar so it stays soft. Also tastes delicious. Gak was pretty legit too. I remember being excited about that shit. And I guess Silly Putty was the veteran of the bunch. Still have no fucking clue how you can press it against the newspaper and it copies it. Thats more magic than the Hot Wheels changing colors.

Creepy Crawlers

Well, here’s a good idea – Lets give 8-12 year olds firing kilns so they can cook gooey insects. This had to be the most dangerous thing ever. Girls had Easy Bake Ovens that cooked shitty cupcakes – boys had Creepy Crawlers that made burnt insects. How many houses in America burned down because some 8 year old with the attention span of a fruit fly put these things in to cook and forgot about it? I cant tell you how many of those plates I ruined because the goo got permanently cooked in there after i left them burning for 45 minutes. By the way, the best gooey toy ever is the stick hand, commonly found in those 50 cent vending machines.

Talk Boy

It never really worked as good as you wanted it to. There wasn’t much use for it other than acting out the scenes from Home Alone. But goddamit Kevin McCallister had one and so I wanted one too.

PS – I realize a lot of people are gonna say Legos should be on the list. They probably should be, I just wasn’t much of a Legos guy. Some people would take the time to build like the Nina, The Pinta and the Santa Maria and I was the kid who just stacked rectangles upon rectangles and made a “tower.” Only thing worse than Legos were Erector Sets. You had to be a goddam mechanical engineer to work that shit.

PPS – I really wanted to put my Teddy Ruxpin Tape Player bear on the list but I figured it would hurt my street cred

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