I Found The Two Most Homeless People On Earth

This was the scene I came home to last Friday evening. See that door directly behind them? Thats the door to my apartment. Homeless man and his vagrant girlfriend barricading themselves in front of my home. Now, this isn’t the first time I’ve had homeless people crashing outside of my apartment, but these two were posted up on milk crates and you could see they had no intention of moving. And they were that special sort of homeless. You know what I mean? There are levels of homeless. These two were on that “I don’t wanna get too close because I don’t want to get pricked with needles or spit on” level. You see that bitches mug? She is the most homeless person alive.

So first thing I do is stand 2 feet from their derelict faces and snap pictures for Barstool. But then I decided I had to get these people to move. I don’t have very high standards but I can’t have bums almost inside my living space. So I tell them to move on, and at first the dude is like “my bad, no disrespect.” I thought things were gonna go smooth. The woman looks me dead in the eyes and gives me THE most genuine “FUCK YOU” that I have ever received. I wasn’t even mad. I was almost moved or touched by her emotion. I just turn away as her boyfriend is trying to get her to move, and she starts screaming about how she’s got bad legs and cant walk. Next thing I know, she’s doing like a crab walk, propping herself up on her heels with her hands behind her, dragging her butt on the sidewalk. I was about to grab my phone and start filming, but then the dude turns on me and starts saying I don’t respect him because he’s black. I was like “motherfucker I don’t respect you because you’re homeless! You’re a vagrant crack addict!” At this point, my roommate is whispering to me saying “this is about to get violent” and we have an audience of people on the corner just watching this all go down. THEN as if things can’t get worse, he grabs the woman’s bottle of Georgi and drops it by accident. Shatters everywhere.

Let me tell you folks – the look in a bum’s eye when he loses all his liquor is indescribable. I’ve seen the look in the eye of a husband grieving the loss of his wife. A mother mourning for her lost son. I’ve seen the look of men at rock bottom. But that homless man staring at a puddle of vodka and broken glass was despair personified. I wouldn’t be surprised if that man killed himself that nite. I’ve never felt so bad for someone in my life. That was probably like 3 months worth of begging. And to make matters worse, the chick thought he did it on purpose and started smacking him. So he collected his milk crate and hit the road. Left his girl just laying underneath the awning of the bodega.

Sidewalk sheets right outside Barstool HQ.

This is my life.