Gotta Respect This Robber That Stole A Bunch Of Magnum Condoms Along With Some Cash From A Gas Station
Daily Mail- An armed robber in Missouri stole cash from a gas station – but didn’t stop there. He also stole an entire bucket of Magnum condoms from the store in Raytown, Missouri. CCTV footage from August 9 shows the man entering the store and forcing his way into the clerk’s cage to take cash from the register.
The video shows the clerk sees him coming and tries to close the door, but the suspect grabs the handle and opens it, pulling the clerk to the ground. The man then threatens the clerk at gunpoint and takes cash from the register. The video shows the suspect leaving, carrying the cash in his pockets and holding a large bucket of the gold-packaged condoms.
However, the video shows the quick-thinking clerk activating the magnetically-locked doors, making the suspect panic. He bangs on the window of the clerk cage and then fires multiple shots at the locked doors. The video shows the glass crack but not shatter, so the man then throws his shoulder at the glass until it breaks. He runs out the door, still with his newly stolen condoms.
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Us bloggers at Barstool are not here to promote crime or say that stealing from other people is cool. Sure the Pardon My Take guys may have turned a goldfish picking football games into a pseudo Ponzi scheme through merch sales. And KFC has promoted by the motto snake it til you make it for years. And the cease and desist letters Dave has received over the years could stretch from Barstool HQ to the moon and back 10 times (according to the Elias Sports Bureau).
Okay, maybe we don’t discourage crime here at Barstool and I’ll be damned if I am going to criticize this guy for getting paid and getting laid in one fell swoop. Nothing will do more for a guy’s sex life than some extra cash and a few magnum condoms laying around. Sure you may not use the condoms, but it’s the fact you have them is what will catch a lady’s eye. If you can’t have a big dick, the next best thing is people thinking you have a big dick. In fact I’m pretty sure Teddy Roosevelt’s actual quote about foreign policy was “Speak softly and carry a big stick. And if you don’t have a big stick, make sure people think you have a big stick. And the stick is definitely a huge dick. I have a huge cock.” Anyone with an ounce of television taste knows that this move can also be called the Dr. Mantis Tobaggan.
And even if this guy stole regular condoms, I would respect the move. Nobody likes buying condoms. Just walking through the aisle makes me nervous as fuck. I used to only buy condoms at places that had self checkout counters because I was nervous of what the cashiers thought of me as I bought condoms. Then again, if they took one look at me, they probably thought I was buying them for someone else. Fucking jerks.
Anyway, if it was me robbing that gas station, after I got the cash I would have probably gone after some of the more expensive shit like Ben & Jerry’s and that weird herbal shit that may get you high or last longer in bed but may also kill you but you never try because it’s too much money. And I probably would steal some cigarettes so I could undercut all the local gas stations in town and a shit load of lottery tickets for all the reasons Nate laid out in this blog. $1000 in small bills from a gas station isn’t cool. You know what is cool? $100,000 in scratch off winnings (and a bunch of people on the internet thinking you have a Magnum-sized dick while also forgetting you almost got locked into the gas station you robbed).