Leaving A Cucumber In A Movie Theater After A "Fifty Shades Darker" Screening Is Some Barbaric Shit

Mashable- Look, you’ve probably figured out by now that the new Fifty Shades Darker film hasn’t received the most positive reactions from critics. But it seems some people rate it rather highly. See, a cinema staffer randomly found a cucumber lying in an aisle following a Fifty Shades Darker screening. The folks at the Hayden Orpheum in Sydney, Australia found the veg, snapping the photo and posted it on Facebook. “That awkward moment when you find a cucumber in the cinema after a session,” the cinema wrote.

While it might be easy to dismiss this as a marketing stunt, according to Alex Temesvari, the cinema’s Deputy General Manager, the discovery was absolutely real. “Hand on my heart, it was actually found after our Student Night session of Fifty Shades on Monday night (actually by me!),” he said via email. “Otherwise I would totally take credit for it being a clever marketing ploy, but honestly we’re not THAT clever.”

First of all, lets take a moment from our busy days and say a prayer to the poor soul that discovered this cucumber while cleaning a theater full of empty popcorn bags and soda cups for likely the one billionth time.

*closes eyes*

*mouths prayer silently*

Okay. Now we can debate whether or not this was a prank, a publicity stunt, or someone just looking to get their rocks off while watching an R-rated movie on the silver screen. A prank makes sense because I feel like in 2017, nobody would just settle for the finest dick shaped veggie in the produce aisle to take care of them. If you are looking to get freaky in a room full of strangers and Cherry Coke, this probably isn’t your first rodeo. You have a wide array of toys and ticklers to get the job done.

Publicity stunt makes sense because while this guy said hand on his heart that it wasn’t a prank, he didn’t swear on anything. If you swear on your mother and/or your kids lives, I will believe you every single time. Hand on your heart or any part of your body doesn’t mean shit to me. Plus if you picked up that cucumber without wearing gloves, you are either some sort of freak, barbarian, or freaky barbarian with serious hygiene issues.

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And then we have the scenario where it’s real. I will admit that if this happened in almost any other country, I would immediately dismiss it as fake. But this is Australia. A classier, more fun, usually more savage version of Florida. Which is why I’m not putting it past some Aussie chick to try to pickle a cucumber in the name of Christian Grey. Australians are badass enough as it is. But the 50 Shades series can turn even the meekest girl into a cucumber plunging deviant that would have no problem leaving the evidence behind like Cinderella left her slipper. Those books real life Spanish Fly for chicks.

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