“Can I Shoot It In Your Butt?” Texts: A Barstool Sports Investigation, Valentine’s Day Edition

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Happy Valentine’s Day! A manufactured holiday designed for greeting card companies to make money, girls getting materialistic shit for them to post on Instagram and show off to their friends they secretly hate, and for men to cross their fingers and pray to god that they might get some Valentines Day anal. So, no better time for a Barstool Experiment! This day’s phrase was “Can I shoot it in your butt? with this picture of Cupid shooting an arrow of love into a girl’s ass.

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Get it? See its a reference to butt sex coupled with a popular imagine related to the holiday. Some girls needed an explanation:

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So, if you cut through the subtleties here, yes, we are talking about blowing loads in asses.

Other girls were confused as to what the intentions of the text was:

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How about, both?

Now, when I first tweeted this out Kmarko was like “Holy shit dude, aggressive!” Some people tweeted me that it was “too much.” I wasnt sure if this experiment would work like the others. Well I’m proud to report that very very blatant references to butt sex is, in fact, not “too much.” But rather many, many people participated. And I like to think that even if there was like a 5% conversion rate on girls actually following through on their responses, that at least like a dozen butts were banged last night because of me. Thats my greatest Valentine’s Day contribution ever – at least a few guys out there were able to broach the topic of Valentines Day anal and get it done. Like this dude:

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“Of course.” What a world. And how about Taylor? Making sure this wasnt just a joke and that she was actually getting dick:

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That dude definitely got some anal sex out of this. Any time he sees my face hes gonna remember that. Wild, huh? That girl was cutting right to the chase.

Meanwhile, Jamie over here a little more ambiguous about it:

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When you really think about it, the vast, vast majority of girls who do anal are “Smh I guess.” Not many are like “YES YES YES!” And the other end of the spectrum are chicks who say absolutely not. But the bulk are in the middle like “Fiiiiiiine.” You might even get a couple who are indifferent like this broad:

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But theres only a very, VERY few girls would respond like this:

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Applying the old “permission/forgiveness” adage to anal sex is quite a move. I mean we’re talking about penetration here. Thats some serious forgiveness you have to ask for.

Now dont get me wrong, there was failure. Quite a bit. And quite harsh:

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Other girls knew that when it comes to this request, they are in an ENORMOUS position of power:

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Thats a BUSINESSWOMAN right there. And this girl is a goddam negotiator:

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Meanwhile some girls require just an RT:

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How about these kinky bitches:

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The old “you can fuck my butt if I can fuck yours.” Classic. Also girls this doesnt apply. Men butts and girl butts way different.

This girl’s dad nipped this whole idea right in the fuck bud:

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That guy is just a good father. Thats just good parenting. Hey girl tell your dad to come on Podfathers.

Some guys needed to choose better targets:

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While other guy’s knew to text the girls with UNREASONABLY low standards for romance:

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Name in phone is “Nipple Tassles” = Does Anal.

The Zoo came through, like always:

Compare that to Fordham girls:

Meanwhile, Clem went rogue and did his own experiment:

 

And I think at the end of the day, 99% of you guys probably ended up in this situation:

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Which, really, is a pretty solid compromise. Maybe youre a little disappointed with no penetration, but shes willing do some other R-rated kinky stuff, and for that you should be grateful. Beggars cant be choosers. Just be happy you’re getting near a butt at all.

Hope you all had a fantasstic Valentines Day!

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