Man Avoids Being Killed In A Plane Crash Thanks To His Craving For Hot Pockets

AKRON, Ohio – A man who lived at the Ohio apartment building destroyed in a fiery plane crash Tuesday says an errand to buy Hot Pockets saved his life. Jason Bartley told the Akron Beacon Journal he feels lucky but also in shock over the crash and heartbroken about losing treasured possessions. He left home to run errands Monday and took slightly longer than planned because he stopped to buy the microwavable turnovers for dinner and breakfast. The 38-year-old factory worker says he saw flames as he drove toward home, and a bystander explained that a plane had just crashed. Authorities say nine people died. Bartley said Tuesday it’s a tough situation to comprehend. He says thinking about it has made him feel nauseated and want to cry, but he’s also very grateful.

There we have it.  The first time in human history where a sober person has said, “Thank god for Hot Pockets.” There are only two acceptable times to purchase and consume a Hot Pocket. 1) When you’re black out drunk and wake up the next morning with half a Hot Pocket on your chest and don’t remember purchasing it and 2) when avoiding a plane crash that is about to slam into your building killing multiple people.  That’s it.  That’s the extent of the list. That’s no judgement either. This will forever and always be a Judge Free Zone. Because I’ve woken up countless mornings with countless Hot Pocket wrappers littering my kitchen floor. Not to mention the roof of the microwave covered in sauce and the roof of my mouth covered in burnt skin. It’s the perfect drunk food. It’s basically a pocket of heated meat and cheese. Who wouldn’t want that when their inhibitions are gone? A reckless food for a reckless night of drinking. I like the thought of this guy being asked the question of who helped him the most in life. Most people would say God or their parents or their friends. This guy’s answer to that question will forever be Hot Pockets.