Latest Trend: Old Dudes Going On Spring Break

NY Post – Drew Stevens and David Sheaf are standing in the sand, tossing a football back and forth as the hot Fort Lauderdale sun beams down on their naked torsos. All around, 19-year-old girls form gossipy groups, their burns nearly as neon as their DayGlo pink bikinis. Stevens and Sheaf admire the eye candy. It’s a bit of downtime for the pals who partied the night before with “some college girls from Ohio we met out here on the beach,” says Sheaf. A pretty typical day in the life of a spring breaker — other than the fact that these two dudes have been too old for spring break for nearly a decade. Stevens, a 32-year-old owner of a pool company in Hilton Head, S.C., and Sheaf, a 28-year-old engineer in Washington, DC, have been revisiting the ghosts of spring breaks past every year since graduating from the University of South Carolina. Each one is better than the last, they say. “I have a lot more money now,” says Stevens. “And it makes for a more fun time.” “The chatter starts in January,” says Joaquin, a 34-year-old Midtown West resident who works in finance and has “spring breaked” multiple times since receiving his bachelor’s degree from Tufts University. “My friends will start the e-mail chains, ‘All right, what are we doing? Where are we going? Cancun or Miami?’ ” says Joaquin, who asked that his last name not be used for professional reasons, adding, “I’ve never been in a rush to get old.” Apparently, neither are his NYC cohorts. For single men in the city, spring break is a chance to relive their college glory days — and to add a notch or two to their Brooks Brothers belts. “It’s all about the spring break mentality,” according to 31-year-old Justin, who lives in Midtown and also asked that his last name not be used for professional reasons. “It’s easier to get laid,” he clarifies.

Going on Spring Break when you’re like 30 is like being that kid who had an early birthday but played a year down in Little League. He was like 13 but playing with 11 and 12 year olds and just absolutely dominating. Had like 3 inches and 30 pounds on some of the other kids just blasting meatballs to the moon. Thats what Spring Break as a 30 year old dude with a real job is like. Its playing JV when you’re a starter on the varsity team. Its Billy Madison playing Dodgeball at recess. Show up to Cancun looking at all the broke, dumb 18 year olds like “Now you’re all in big, big trouble.” Maybe you’re a little fatter than they are but you’ve got money to burn and more knowledge about how dumb and desperate girls are than the rest of those little boys combined.

So the question is, why don’t we all do that? Why are all these suckers 28, 30, 32 years old settling down and getting married and shit? Why aren’t we all just going on spring break like these dudes? Its like shooting dumb, easy sluts in a barrel. And the answer is because this isn’t Hollywood. We’re not Mitch Martin and Beanie Campbell in Old School starting our own fraternity. Grow up, Peter Pan. Count Chocula. Trying to recapture those glory days works to a certain extent, and I’m sure these bros in this article are having the time of their lives and would tell me to shut the fuck up. But at some point you’re just that dude who’s almost 35 and been on Spring Break like 15 times and its starting to get weird. I mean if we’re going by this logic its like “Why don’t you just fuck hookers all day every day?” “Why don’t you go to the strip club every single day?” I mean its the same situation – you’ve got money now and its easy to get laid. But at some point you understand that you want to be a normal human and its weird that you arent conforming to any of societies norms. I’m sure when you’re balls deep in a co-ed in Cancun you most certainly don’t give a fuck, but sooner or later reality sets in and you realize you’re kind of a misfit.