So Apparently It's a Crime For a Granny To Do Cocaine At a Bingo Hall Now?

NYP - Helen Heaphy’s number came up at the bingo hall. The prize was a trip to court. The 50-year-old grandmother pleaded guilty Wednesday to two counts of possessing cocaine for sale or supply after Irish police caught her with the narcotic outside a Cork bingo hall. Cork District Court Judge Leo Malone accepted her lawyer’s plea for clemency citing her family obligations and her possession of a relatively small amount of the drug worth 350 euros ($400). Heaphy insisted she was holding the cocaine for an unspecified friend.

Few things going on here. For one, 50 year old grandma is an absolute screwball. Glad she reproduced and now her daughter is reproducing and she’s spending that government cheese at the bingo hall.

That being said, fucking awesome that she used the age-old excuse of “I’m holding it for a friend”. That’s what they showed you in DARE videos in the 5th grade. When your mom catches you with smokes, no mom I swear, I’m holding them for someone! It’s the oldest excuse in the book, originating from the Garden of Eden when Eve took a bite of that apple for a friend and is still being used today to try to get out of a cocaine arrest in Ireland.

Third of all, you NEED cocaine if you’re going to play bingo. I had a friend in high school whose mom worked at a bingo hall on weekends. That place is another universe. You play 9 cards at a time, minimum, and the prizes for getting a bingo are really, really high. And they pay you in straight cash homie. The bingo caller goes rapid fire, you have to dart your eyes all around your cards, and nobody talks. They get PISSED if you even whisper to your friend what number was just called. People have good luck charms all lined up on their cards, it’s immense. And people HATE you if you win. Especially when you’re a 17 year old white kid there to fuck around, and they just put the month’s rent on a bingo card. Shit get heated. I highly recommend you go.