Barstool Sports Intramural Basketball Week 2 – Recap, Superlatives, And General Thoughts From Coach Nate

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Dear Fans,

 

As you know, we have joined an intramural basketball team here at Barstool Sports, under the ownership of David Portnoy, the GM Adam Smith, and I am your fearless leader, Coach Nate. I will be writing you each week with an update on our progress as a team as we play the toughest teams in Manhattan’s lowest tier intramural basketball league.

Yesterday we were all set to have our first game. The guys were fired up- they were carb loading (burritos), hydrating (Bud Light), and getting mentally prepared (watching baseball at the bar). Needless to say, we were absolutely ready to play….and then the other team FORFEITED. Apparently it was a “Jewish Holiday” or something of the sort….yeah, I’m so sure. How convenient. At first we were excited because we’ll pick up a W by any means necessary, but then we were told the game will be rescheduled…which meant one thing and one thing only…practice time.

 

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We picked our team captains, and then got to playing full court 5 on 5. Now remember, we are in blogging shape, which is comparable to being in polio shape, so I was half looking for “who can make shots” and half looking for “who won’t have a heart attack running up and down the court”.

As coach, it was important I took copious amounts of notes as the game went on.

 

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Gotta figure out every player’s strengths and weaknesses. Because I am the People’s Coach, I will break down a few players for you, the fans, to let you know what we are working with.

I will start with the player who needs the most improvement, Young Pageviews. YP is an enigma because he runs hard and dives for every ball and loves being out there playing his young dick off. But at the same time, he lives and dies by the mantra “shooters shoot”…and YP lovesssss taking ill-advised 3’s. LOVES IT. He won’t ever pass up a chance to take one, which is fine, but would be better if literally any of them went in. But the reason he needs improvement is because he isn’t a good listener. He simply hates listening to his teammates, coach, or GM, so we had him doing pushups.

 

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Also, as a side note, we have to work on his dribbling technique:

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Baby steps for YP, nowhere to go but up.

 

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Yesterday when I thought the game was still going to happen, I announced one starter on Twitter- Caleb. And The Flow didn’t disappoint, as he was a force out there yesterday. Caleb wins the award for best at driving to the rim, and worst at finishing in the paint. Had about a dozen too many layups go awry. He made up for it, whoever, by banking in three 3’s, all which were definitely intentional. Caleb uses his natural athleticism to get separation, just a matter of time before he puts it all together.

 

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You remember Coley right? He’s our tall guy. And Coley Mick has the honor of being our most improved player from week 1 to week 2. His stroke looked nice yesterday, as he popped multiple 3’s. His endurance was improved, and the team really responds to him. A natural leader on the court, we will look for him to get more aggressive in the paint and use his size to his advantage next week.

 

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Captain Cons was yesterday’s MVP. He didn’t make the most shots or grab the most boards, but he showed more grit than anyone, by not only not dying out there, but hustling every second of every play. He was rewarded for his effort when, with his shirt weighed down with 15 pounds of sweat, he swished the game winner in the 3rd scrimmage.

 

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A very clutch play from our defensive mercenary, who will eventually get kicked out of a game for throwing too many elbows. But he’s our guy who throws too many elbows.

 

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As you might recall, Office Manager Brett’s only job is to not fuck up. Despite a few missed shots here and there, I think he did an adequate job of not fucking up. In the first game I believe he scored 4 of the 7 points for his team. I don’t care if the points are pretty or not, as long as the ball goes into the bucket, that’s all we want. OMB is making a case for starting minutes after his performance yesterday.

 

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Let me introduce a new player who wasn’t there last week- Handsome Henry. I was keeping a close eye on Henry during warmups, and he was sinking everything. He came out ready to show me what he’s got and work his way into the starting lineup. I had a big smile on my face watching Hank warm up…and then the game started. I don’t know if it was the pressure of the bright lights, but his shoot around game didn’t translate to the full court game. See the above shot? It went like this

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And then rimmed out. Bad luck and some game rust for the Handsome One, but I fully expect him to have a positive impact on the team this season.

 

And finally, Kmarko:

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There is it, the Ceremonial Kmarko Bench Spot. Once again, the self proclaimed “Best Player At Barstool” was a no-show. Was he popping bottles of Manischewitz with his family? Possibly so, but Team comes before Tribe in my opinion.

 

As for the rest of the squad – GM Smitty, Asian Steve, Girl Megan, Intern Hubbs, Big Data, and Resnick Jr, they all showed up and were pretty much what I thought they’d be. I will say I was a bit disappointed in Smitty’s game yesterday- he started out very slow, and was passing up open shots. We need more aggression out of our resident Philly hardo. What’s the point of having someone from Philly if he’s not spitting on someone’s face by halftime?

We are now awaiting our schedule for next week. I think I have picked out the starting lineup, and who I want playing where. There are also rumors David Shortnoy will show up next week, so it will be interesting to see if he chooses to sit next to Kmarko on the bench or by himself on the bench.

That’s all for this week. We worked hard, hustled, and everyone is excited to finally play another team. I was mostly a silent observer at practice yesterday, and give myself a D+ for coaching. I need to leave myself a lot of room for improvement, but I have a plan, and I love how our team is coming along.

Until next time,

Coach Nate

 

PS: Don’t fret, there will be a Hard Knocks type video for all of this.

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