Barstool Office Power Rankings – Week 33 – The All Good Things Only Edition

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ATTN: From the desk of the Assistant (To The) Editor-in-Chief:

Welcome back to everybody’s favorite feature, the Barstool Office Power Rankings. This is the longest running weekly blog feature that is shared by both myself and the fearless editor in chief, Keith Marko. By the way, he’s turning the dirty 30 next Wednesday, so feel free to send HQ lots of cookies and alcohol and hair product. We are now on our 33rd straight week of giving props to all of our hard working colleagues in Barstool HQ and show no signs of slowing down or ever missing a week.

Well this week, I’m switching it up on you. It’s Summer time and the office is breezy. Everyone is high-fiving, the Froze is flowing, and the spirits are high. So instead of power ranking the top 5 this week, I’m going to say nice, interesting, or delightful things about my great coworkers, even YP. Nah just kidding, I’m good but not that good.

So let’s get to it:

Look at this guy! Tex LOVES frozen rosé, aka frosé, aka the drink of the Summer. Put on your romper, hit a roof, and drink that stuff under the pale moonlight. He was absolutely beaming with delight last night while drinking it. I mean look at this guy!

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He ain’t in Texas anymore and little by little he’s becoming a real human. It’ll be a gradual change, but by this time next year I wouldn’t be shocked if he is eating sushi and even learns how to read. I’m so in for New York Tex, watching his progression is going to be like watching an Animorph.


Keith and Francis, sitting in a tree! These two love birds have come a long way. It’s so fucking cute I can’t stand it! What started as tough love from Keith to Francis has no evolved into an all out office bromance. Crazy what a little bit of distance can do.

If they get any closer Erika might have to send a company-wide email reminding everyone the dangers of inner-office dating.


Big Cat is the ultimate team player. He’s grinding week in and week out on the basketball court, tipping balls back to the perimeter, bodying up the other team’s biggest player, and getting T’d up by the ref. Does the ref know?



He won’t necessarily make any shots, but Danny Scoots becomes Danny Zooms when it comes to getting back on defense.

We might be 0-5 as a team, but we’re undefeated in heart.


Yo Kevin, how the fuck did your unathletic ass self make a god damn silver slugger? Simply amazing. The apple fell so far from the tree with Shea, it’s a freaking miracle and a delight. You’re such an asshole in the office and then you go home and you’re father of the fucking year.

And an additional shout out to KFC for launching this dope ass hoodie, just in time for Summer.

Nothin’ like a hoodie on a 90 degree day in the city, buy one today!


There he is in all his glory, the Chief of Content himself, Dave Portnoy, doing a pizza review with SVP one day and then sitting in the front row at the Celtics game the next. What a grinder to go from eating pizza to being interviewed on NESN. Lesser men would have crumbled under the pressure, but not Davey. No sir. We didn’t get to New York by him taking days off, and he’s not going to start now.

And because he cares, he fucked around and raised a bunch of money for ALS research

Brick by brick indeed.


ABP! ABP! ABP! This dude can’t keep an internet company’s internet up to save his life, but his weekly Handbook Violations and curling live tweets are simply a delight. He’s also the most important person to this company, because he knows how to use equipment like “cameras” and “microphones” and “all those buttons in that room where he sits all day”. When he’s gone for a couple of weeks because his second child is due soon, the entire company might cease to exist.


I don’t know why Caleb and Rone went dumpster diving, but I’m positive it has top 10 video of the year potential. Put those two goofs in any situation, and they will turn trash into gold, sometimes literally. And look how sweet they are, they brought the office back a gift!

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I just wish I had seen the other sign before I ate a couple….

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Oops. They were still delicious though.


And as for the rest of the homies out there grinding day in and day out- the Vacation Boys, Feits, Coley, Clem, Frankie Beeeeee, Gaz, Smitty, Brett Dawg, Hank, Spags, Ria, Glenny, SPBC, Ebony, Robbie, Gay Pat, Black Tyler, Chaps (even though he isn’t in the office kinda but we all miss him every day) Hubbs, Donnie, Kobe, Asa, Devlin Rome, PFT, Francesca, Nardini, all the camera homies, the tech homies, the hustlers killing it on the nerd floor, and of course, our readers, podcast listeners, haters, lovers, friends, family, shitty other blogs that make us look better, and Peter Chernin for deciding to give us a ton of money to make poop jokes on the internet.

Have a great weekend, sip that frosé, get your darty on, follow all of us on Twitter, download and subscribe to the podcasts, rate them 5 stars, and live your best life.




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