Barstool Office Power Rankings – Week 32
ATTN: From the desk of the Assistant (To The) Editor-in-Chief:
Welcome back to everybody’s favorite feature, the Barstool Office Power Rankings, done every single week without fail. Myself and Kmarko pride ourselves in being the Cal Ripken of Barstool Sports with this feature. And now we are at 32 straight weeks of ranking the people we sit 3 inches from day in and day out.
This week at the office was another wild one. We brought in our first openly gay employee, we had baseball legend and all around good guy Lenny Dykstra stop in, and Dave, our former boss, got noogied. And just like that, another week flew by at Barstool Sports HQ.
With all that being said, let’s rank some power.
5) Lenny Dykstra
What a guy! Lenny Dykstra showed up to Barstool HQ on Tuesday and made his Rundown debut, and it was one for the ages. What a sharp, sentient being that man was. He stormed into the office and surprised us all not only with his whip-smart wit, but also with his graceful, mild manner and and how generally personable he was as a human. After months of the PMT guys telling him to suck their dicks, he came to HQ to set them straight, and boy did he ever….
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What a lovely gent.
But as it later turned out, Lenny wasn’t invited to Barstool HQ at all. Sad! Instead, he was duped by a very crafty and not at all clearly fake Twitter account:
And I guess some coworkers of mine thought his time spent here was rather…uhhhh…interesting
Regardless, it was a wonderful moment and Lenny, if you’re reading this, Ria wants you to know that you’re welcome back at the office whenever you’d like.
4) Gay Pat
At long last Barstool is finally a diverse workplace. Instead of being all straight white dudes from the northeast, now it’s just almost all straight white dudes from the northeast. Gay Pat paraded on to the scene in a cloud of glitter twirling a rainbow flag, telling everyone how “THUPER” it is to work here. Wait no. He just came into work like a normal guy and did normal guy work, which I think upset Dave because in his head every gay guy should be Richard Simmons. Welcome aboard, Gay Pat, and remember, Spags is definitely straight and definitely not gay (wink, wink).
3) YAH Show Yah Featuring All Biz Pete
The bad boy of rap battle is BACK! The swaggy stallion Roney came back to the office last week, linked up with his lost puppy Caleb, and YAH Show YAH has been firing on all cylinders. They went into the lab with the world renowned technology wizard All Business Pete for this week’s podcast, and suffice to say, it was one for the ages.
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Pete answered all the hard hitting questions
and definitely wins the award for podcast guest of the week, sorry Blake Griffin.
2) Noogie Nate
It certainly was the noogie heard round the world. After chumming it up with Dave on the Rundown, I left the set by giving him a friendly rub on his old head. The guy has been through a lot- he’s lost his house, his 18 year old girlfriend cheated on him while his teeth were falling out, and he doesn’t even own his own company anymore. I mean he’s been spotted going to NYU bars looking like this
for Pete’s sake! So I try and try and try to be nice to the lil man, and he responded like a grade A triggered little snowflake.
Sad, sad, sad. Even sadder, when you rewatch the video, he didn’t even know I touched him, he was just trying to fit in with Big Cat and KFC. Truly just an all time “Dave lost his fastball moment”.
PS: Who did this fam?!?!
PS:
Just doing what I can to keep the lights on.
And finally, #1, making his Power Rankings debuttttt
Dartying has taken over and there’s no stopping it. It’s a riptide rush of a movement, which hasn’t been seen since Saturdays Are For The Boys. You can’t stop Darty SZN, you can only hope to contain it.
Stop it Chaps, darty szn has a family!!!!
Our editor in chief (who spends all day every day editing blogs, chiefly) put together a playlist to help you kids really kick it with your homies (did I say that right?).
The reviews are in:
How bout Nardini coming in hot with Marley. Hey Nardini, trying to tell us something? Let’s see what the handbook has to say about that. And shout out Frankie going with Simple Plan. #Respizzaect
And while it was a great week, some people still have some work to do.
NEEDS IMPROVEMENT:
Straight up, we are the dumbest internet company in the world. It took us 8 months to get our TVs wired for cable, and our Internet goes down weekly. Pretty hard to post blogs on the internet without said internet. We were thrown a curveball this week, when the ol’ Ghost Of Your Website Is Down Past showed up once again.
To paraphrase a pussy, it is BUHNANAS that we can’t stay online for more than a month at a time.
Smitty
This poor, poor blockhead, he just can’t catch a W. He invited me on Game Time to play some internet poker against him, and well…..
it is not going too hot for your resident Philly hardo. I have punished him to the point of no mercy in back to back weeks on the virtual felt, and now I’m starting to just feel bad. How much more of a beating can one man take? I hope to find out! My mid-five figures in poker winnings is increasing by the day. This is how I sleep at night every time after I play poker vs Smitty
Vacation Boys:
Uhhh, what the fuck, Vacation Boys? Yall have made the Power Rankings every week since ‘Nam, and then decide not to go on vacation this week? Just sitting in the office like a couple of schlubs while the PGA tour is in some sunny location where you could be reviewing a world renowned course? Way to be way off brand, amigos.
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WAIT, LAST SECOND EDIT:
That’s my guys! All’s good again.
Black Dildo Of The Week:
And that’s the black dildo of the week.
Anniversary of the Week:
Happy 2nd anniversary to when Dave made 3 of his employees get arrested to prove a non-existent point! Remember the time he said he’d do something unthinkable to Goodell if Brady’s suspension wasn’t overturned? People don’t forget!
Office Guest Of The Week
Dude is a downright legend of the game. Make sure you listen to ForePlay, your number 1 podcast for guys talking about guys playing golf.
Robbie’s Shirt Of The Week
I don’t know, Rone. I just don’t know. But Robbie has no qualms wearing it out in public, so I guess whoever makes that shirt is sipping daiquiris on the beach somewhere.
Frank’s Song of the Week
This song hurt my soul and shook me to my core, but Frank has golden pipes and can write a song better than McCartney and Lennon combined, so I just have to tip my cap and listen to him sing about Ovi tearing my heart out of my body 150 more times.
And that about does it for this week. Make sure to follow every on Twitter, download all the podcasts, shout out to Intern Hubbs for helping compile everything, subscribe to the newsletter…..and of course Darty Hardy this weekend.
Hugs and kisses,
Nate