Barstool Office Power Rankings – Week 24
ATTN: From the desk of the Assistant (To The) Editor-in-Chief:
Welcome back to everybody’s favorite feature, the Barstool Office Power Rankings. After my back-to-back A+ performances writing the Rankings (Keith’s words, not mine), he invited me to take them over full time and it’s definitely not because they take a long time to do and everyone gets mad at you after they go up.
This week at Barstool…kinda slow. We had a snow day and now we have the NCAA Tournament for people to use as an excuse not to work. Some weeks we have SoulCycle instructors fucking your coworker’s girlfriend and Spags maliciously attacking Loud Sean’s family for no reason whatsoever, and some weeks we have an entire office of screaming degenerates yelling for ETSU to cover while we root for teams like Winnnnnthrop and FGCU to win so we can spend a weekend in Vegas with our 39 year old balding boss in the middle of a midlife crisis that would put Caitlyn Jenner to shame. Either way, it’s never boring here at Barstool HQ, so let’s get to the Power Rankings:
5) Editor in Chief KMarko
You’re probably thinking right now, “Nate, how does Editor in Chief KMarko even find time to drink at the bar at noon with all the editing he does at Barstool?” I just don’t know the answer, friend. Somehow between writing blogs on topics such as frat hazing, Jim Harbaugh, the University of Missouri, frat hazing, and the University of Missouri, KMarko finds the time in his day to make sure all of our blogs are grammatically flawless and MLA cited. Our fearless EIC also goes out of his way to make sure we never have reblogs, literally ever. All while inventing the ground-breaking Internet Newsletter. How he came up with that idea in 2016, we’ll never know. This isn’t as much of a power ranking as it is a lifetime achievement award.
4) Feits
Today I asked John Feitselberg if he had any ideas for the Power Rankings. Who he thought was a mover and a shaker in the office this week. A miracle then happened. It was like the parting of the Red Sea. John spoke his first words in the office since October and replied “meh”. The office couldn’t believe what had just happened. It was like in a movie when the DJ scratches the record and everyone looks over and stares. People were whispering “did John just talk?” “Did Feits just speak?” He did, folks. He truly did. He said “meh”. And it was glorious. And that’s how you get to be number 4 on the Power Rankings.
3) Gambling Dave
Last week we had Grudge Dave. And boy did he grudge. Historians will one day research the week still-married Dave had burying his ex-gf on Twitter and Sirius XM Rush 93. The amount of grudge he was able to produce was nothing short of legendary, and cemented him the number 1 spot in the Power Rankings.
This week, we have a new Dave. And this new Dave is aptly named Gambling Dave. Let me tell you what I know about Gambling Dave- before he sold the company, there wasn’t one thing he wouldn’t gamble on. If you remember the old Skype Rundowns, it would be the middle of July, and Dave would have 5 grand riding on the O/U of a Tuesday afternoon Twins vs Reds game. That’s gambling Dave. When he’s hot he’s hot and is a ton of fun, when he’s down he’s wayyyy down and wants to murder you.
But always a professional, he didn’t let the Tournament get in the way of his radio show
Gambling Dave will be heading to Vegas next week and betting way too much money, so that’s something to look forward to.
2) Times Square Guys
Back to back to back! And what a difference a week makes. Last week they were the Vacation Boys, cracking the Power Rankings for taking a trip to Florida to let everyone know how this hipster golf course “TPC Sawgrass” was.
Not many people have heard of it, so it was important for them to go down and play it. I’ve talked to them, they didn’t want to go to Florida in the middle of Winter, but work called and they answered. Respect.
And now they rocket up two spots to number 2 this week for being the Times Square Boys. That picture was everywhere. I mean fucking everywhereeeee. It might be the most viral picture of the week, of any picture at all. Seriously.
TFW you accidentally post a picture of the website who makes fun of you 24/7
And the AP…they had the absolute best take on the picture:
At the end of the day, the AP is in that pageviews business just like the rest of us. “Riggs” and Trent, they put asses in seats, fuck that old hat Trump guy.
1) Milmore
Straight up, Milmore’s short had me in TEARS this morning. The little subtleties he puts into each short are so perfect, it’s just unreal. Like just in the screenshot above, I didn’t even notice the “Keep Out” sign on the pillow fort until watching it again. And he doesn’t hold back in his cartoons, either.
She cucked me….she cucked me not had me rolling
He nails every storyline so wonderfully it doesn’t even make sense that he works for a company with a chinchilla running around the office and 2 toilets for 60 people. He does so much around here and kinda just keeps quiet about it, but he crushes it week in and week out. (Also kinda putting him as number 1 in the power rankings because hopefully he thinks it means something and he won’t jump ship any time soon.)
NEEDS IMPROVEMENT:
Young Pageviews
In my opinion, when the head camera guy leaves and says to you “you’re in charge of filming tonight”, you should probably pick up your camera and film. It’s just my opinion though. When Big Cat is screaming at the TV for 10 straight minutes because he needs 6 points for the over and is absolutely melting down, while the entire office is throwing the X up in my face
Maybeeeeee pick up your camera and film something?
Or nahhhhhhhhh
That Purdue game isn’t going to watch itself, I suppose.
PS: Dave yelled at YP this week and it was quite literally the quietest the office has ever been. The business side of the office was legit concerned someone died because of how eerily quiet it was. Hopefully it makes this week’s Stool Scenes.
Chris Spags
“I never learned to ride a bike because I preferred foot-based sports growing up and couldn’t figure it out fast enough” – Chris Spags
Spags, our definitely not gay blogger, wrote a blog explaining that he prefers people not to call him a fag, because he is not gay. But in that blog, he also wrote that he never learned how to ride a bike because he preferred “foot-based sports”, which is the most bizarre reason to never learn to ride a bike of all time. I think he was trying to say he preferred playing foot-based sports like baseball and football and dancing, but considering basically every sport in the world is foot-based, it caused a lot of confusion for all parties.
Casual Pete’s Tweet of the Week
Skull emojis everywhereeeeeee. Just a brutal tweet from Prickly Pete. We thought this one was somewhat bad
but apparently we hadn’t seen anything yet. ABP is ruthless in the tweets and sleepy in the streets
Dream Come True Of The Week
Don’t let anyone, fucking anyone, tell you dreams can’t come true. Tex wanted a mullet since 2014 and now he finally has one. Reach for the stars kids, and one day you might make way too little money to live in New York with a mullet.
Egregious Misspelling of the Week
ROCKEY!
Mr. Philly himself with an all-time fuck up, spelling the person there is a statue for, the person Philly loves more than they hate bathing, absolutely wrong. I might have to retire the “Egregious Misspelling of the Week” award right now because I’m not sure anything can top it.
Intern Of The Week
Smitty: Nate, you wanna be in this?
Me: No, I’m good.
Smitty: No problem.
Thank goodness I look awesome, otherwise Francesca would be way overshadowing me in that picture. The real story isn’t my hotness, but Fran going perfect on Day 1 of the tournament. Her dad fired off an A+ dad tweet about it:
Best Beer Of All Time Of The Week
Drink the beer a 40 year old bald men/angry, bitter fathers/cross eyed midwesterners drink, Bud Light. The perfect beer for everyone.
That’s it for the Power Rankings, good luck with your bracket, follow everyone on Twitter, and have a good weekend!