Barstool Office Power Rankings – Week 21

ATTN: From the desk of the Assistant (To The) Editor-in-Chief:

Welcome back to everybody’s favorite feature, the Barstool Office Power Rankings. Keith G-chatted me and asked if I wanted to take over this week, reason being because I hate everyone. Fair.

It was a slow week at Barstool in some regards, with half the people vacation, Portnoy having babysitting duties, and YP keeping up his Cal Ripken-esque streak of doing nothing.

On the other hand, this week was not without controversy. We still have a wild card Ginger who is either the world’s greatest actor or world’s dumbest human, visitors from Boston, and a dead gold fish in the freezer. Let’s get to the Power Rankings:

5) Bad Bitches Of Barstool

Summer time is here! Well, it’s February 24, but it’s 70 degrees and the bad bitches of Barstool made their presence felt in a big way today. Francesca, Nardini, and Ria snapping necks in the office today. Straight up knocked Smitty off the power rankings when this trio walked in. (Shout out to Smitty for being too poor to buy a PS4 so he created a video game show so the company would supply one for him. Respect through the roof for that.)

4) Prickly Pete

Simply put, Tech Guy Pete hates everyone. He’s also the most valuable person in this office, and as I type this, it wouldn’t shock me if he is gathering video to extort the company for millions of dollars. I particularly like Pete for his Twitter game, where he really earns that Prickly name:

Am I just including Pete because he definitely brings ninja throwing stars to work with him every day and I want to stay on his good side? Maybe, maybe not, but definitely yes.

3) The Fore Play Boys

These two crazy rascals are taking the golf world by storm. They’ve climbed as high as the number 1 podcast in the sports category, they talk to golfers on the regular, and the CEO is wearing their shirt at the NY Stock Exchange

And a special shout out to”Riggs”…

…Who was interviewed on TV about Mike Francesa. Because when the producer from Channel 11 News emailed El Pres and said “hey, we need someone to talk to us about Mike Francesa”, who else would he pick than the kid from St. Louis who spent the last decade living in Boston? “Riggs” of course!

2) KFC

Truth be told, Kevin wasn’t in the office for a second this week. But even better, he took a 1 year old on a 5 hour flight to a wonderful city Anaheim, California. Things went swimmingly!

Enhance….

That is the face of a man well rested on vacation.

Turns out he had a pretty good time though:

Shea is going to remember this for years to come. #Memories

So why does Kevin get the number 2 spot? He gets the number 2 spot because he got cum comin outta that dick!

OH IT’S LIT!

Look at this guy Kevin being all fertile n shit. If you thought he was angry and cynical now, Lil’ Citifield Clancy will be ruining KFC’s life before we know it, absolutely cannot wait.

1) Nobody

After a lot of thinking, soul searching, and talking to my confidents, we have come to the conclusion nobody in this office deserves the number 1 spot this week. We aren’t a charity. We aren’t giving out participation trophies. The number 1 power ranking spot is for people who piss themselves for a national television commercial, or got shot in a war, or Flying 69 with porn stars. Nobody stepped up to the plate this week, and we need to all be held accountable. We’ll try again next week.

NEEDS IMPROVEMENT

Larry The Goldfish

Being dead is not a good way to make the Power Rankings. Not a great week overall for Larry 2 nor the parenting of the PMT boys. I don’t know who is to blame here- PFT for leaving, or Big Cat not able to take care of the fish while the missus is away for a couple days. At least he’s doing the best he can to preserve his life and legacy

Francis

Let’s see- In his 3 weeks here, Francis has: Faked cancer, taken a midday nap on the CEO’s couch when she was in Houston, and borderline stalked SI Models.

Also

And spilled an entire cup of water on Feits’ desk, then got up and left at noon.

Cancer

Didn’t kill Francis.

Jared Carraba

Here’s the wild thing about what Jared did this week – he got into NYC at 11am, and left NYC at 6pm. He was on a train longer than he was in New York. And while here to meet with Dave and Erika, he met with neither Dave nor Erika. Success!

Also, I’ve never met someone so bad with directions in my life. Jared understands the tendencies of a left handed relief pitcher coming in on 3 days rest facing a switch hitter on an 3-1 count, but could not for the life of him comprehend the grid system of the New York City streets.

Definitely room for improvement in his travel game.

“Is Young Pageviews Still Homeless?” Update Of The Week:

Yes!

Engagement Minutes Whore Of The Week – KMarko

Hey Keith, save some engagement minutes for the rest of us bruh.

Office Guest Of The Week – Rear Admiral

If RA comes to town, he makes the power rankings. Simple as that. RA is a lightning bolt of electricity. Comes into the office high fiving and hugging and fist pounding- morale was never higher for those 3 minutes.

Radio Rant Of The Week

Anyone know if it’s about the DMs?

Dave Portnoy Purple Heart Performance Of The Week

Jamie O’Grady #TBT of the Week

Plenty of time for R&R these days.

Dead, dead, dead.

I think that about wraps it up for power rankings for the week. Make sure you buy the hottest new shirt in the streets

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