All Evidence Shows I Actually Did Dave A Huge Favor By Rubbing His Head On The Rundown

It just dawned on me. Dave took me rubbing his head the complete wrong way. It seems like I did him a huge favor.

Let’s flash back to September. Then presidential candidate Donald Trump went on the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon and did a very, very lighthearted interview which received a ton of blowback for how Fallon pandered to Trump, as he does with everyone, asked zero tough questions, and then ruffled Trump’s hair. It was a playful ruffle of the hair, not unlike what I did with Dave.

And then what happened next? Trump was elected president. Pretty solid upward trajectory, if you ask me.

And what has happened since I grazed Portnoy’s head, which he didn’t even know I did until KFC and Big Cat blew it way out of proportion? Well, let’s take a look:

– His Boston Celtics won game 7 vs my Wizards

– His Celtics then won the lottery for the number 1 overall pick in the draft

– Dave then dined with billionaires

– And then got a private Zac Brown Band concert

– His main girl McKayla started flaunting her ass all over social media again

– One of his white whales, SVP, did a pizza review

All because I touched his head.

And then much like Fallon, because to every yin there is a yang, it’s been a downward spiral for your boy.

The Caps lost game 7, my balding ass head started bleeding

and I’m pretty sure the Shake Shack I had yesterday gave me food poisoning.

So as it turns out, I did Portnoy quite a favor by rubbing his head. Ball don’t lie.

PS: AND he is sitting court side at the Celtics game last night. So we’re banking on a 110% chance he gets kicked out on National Television while the entire arena chants “Go Pres Go”. No, wait, 340% chance. He’ll probably get his house back tomorrow and be banging Nina Agdal by Friday. You’re welcome, Dave. You are welcome.