Reader Email - Does Getting Free Burritos At Chipotle Because The Guy Making Your Food Has A Crush On You Make You Gay?

Big Cat1/17/2014 7:30 PM

BC-

Long time reader. I am in quite the love triangle right now involving burritos and I didn’t know who else to turn too. Please help.

Long story short I live like 2 blocks from a chipotle and subway as the only non-bar food options – as a normal, straight, affluent male, I obviously go to chipotle 3-4 times a week. I’m a pretty nice guy, so I usually say please, thank you, blah blah blah going through the line, and notice one of the line bros is very nice back to me as well, doing the double chicken scoup, extra guac…any normal chipotle goer knows what im talking about, basically like hitting the jackpot or a 3 game parlay on Sunday afternoon. I give the bro a head nod after he tosses my goodness to the little pinata at the register to ring up, and go about my day.

Next couple times in, bro comped the bowl. Two straight times. Straight up told the register chick that it was comped and to let me go. People in line were freaked out, I could hear whispers and pointing….I was thrown completely off guard, but at the same time obviously wasn’t complaining at all – that’s $8.90 still in my pocket (if you don’t go guac at chipotle I have no room for you on my 53 game day). I told my roommate, friends, brothers, even mom, and received the same response from all – straight laughing in my face saying I have a mexican lover and I’m totally gay and need to watch myself.

Questions in no paritcular order for the stoolies:

1. Is this normal, does this happen to other stoolies?

2. Does this make me gay?

3. If it does, I obviously have to keep this up, but how far do I go for free burritos and without being gay? Does giving the mexican dude a handy for free chipotle for life make me gay? Do I make out with the guy for free chips and guac for a month? Please advice.

Signed – Confused, Maybe gay but I don’t think I am, chipotle loving stoolie,

Biz

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What a dilemma, a love triangle between a man loving a man who loves his mexican food. So let’s get to the questions.

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1. Is this normal, does this happen to other stoolies?

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No, definitely not. I have never once gotten anything for free because of my looks. Does that mean I’m not good looking? Yes, that is probably exactly what it means, but at the same time, I don’t think it’s all that common. If you’re a regular guy, I would guess the amount of times you have received a free shot/drink/food solely based on how you look can be counted on one hand. It’s not normal, so either you’re totally leading this guy on, blowing kisses and throwing winks, or you’re a good looking dude, in which case, go fuck yourself.

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2. Does this make me gay?

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ABSOLUTELY NOT. Look, if you’re going to be a hardo and say you don’t want a gay guy winking at you while you get your free burrito go for it, but if someone is giving me free food and all I have to do is stand there and look pretty, what the fuck do I care? That’s like the highest compliment ever. That you make someone so horny they are willing to risk their job to give you free stuff. That’s movie star hot. You keep that glass and counter top they have at Chipotle between you and him and you are totally cool. Tip extra, because whenever you get free shit you need to tip extra otherwise you’re an asshole, and be on your way. It’s not gay until someone gets kissed.

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This is where it gets slightly dicey. The question is worded in a way where I think you may actually be questioning your own sexuality. No problem there, but yeah, if you do decide to be gay, I would definitely do it with the guy who can give you endless amounts of free food. If you aren’t, then I wouldn’t do all that kissing and hand job action. I mean I love chipotle too, but not enough to stroke a penis. Maybe that’s just me, sort of a Potato, Potahto type of thing. For this question I would simply say, be yourself, if that includes penis touching, then go for it. Free food is pretty fucking awesome.

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So what do Stoolies think? Should this guy stand there and continue to get free burritos? Or should he find a new Chipotle?

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1 for stop going there, and 10 for who gives a fuck, as long as it’s just standing there and getting looked at it doesn’t matter at all.

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