Move Over Male Rompers, Lace Shorts FOR MEN Are The New Hotness

Well, maybe not. Look. I think these shorts look absolutely stunning. The colors. The design. The pizzaz. All top notch. I like the idea of having a little breeze for the boys (talkin balls, folks) but I need to have some sort of privacy. I can’t just have my man stick out for the whole block to see. I have manners. I have self-respect. Buy me fucking dinner first, lace shorts.

The biggest reason that I’m against these bad boys is, of course, my 34-year-long battle with the sun. I don’t wear sun shirts for my health. Wait. Yes, I do. I completely wear them for my health. That being said, I don’t wanna have a sexy little tan line that has your girl like

What I’m referencing in the above picture is the natural lubrication that occurs when a woman is sexually aroused. Actually good.

So, while the lace shorts are obviously visually stunning, I will refrain from them. Skin cancer is a real problem, and I won’t be the ant who willingly hangs out under the magnifying glass. Not today, not ever, Sun. You mother fuccer.