MMBM: Is Roger Goodell Going To Go To Hell?

PFT Commenter3/27/2017 6:54 PM

Note: TL;DR.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

Its become the cool thing to do in the media to impugn the character of Commissoner Roger Goodell without so much as addressing any facts or logic. And sure maybe Goodell has made a couple minor mistakes in dealing with the health, fiscal solvency, and integrity of the players and the game- I prefer to stick to the facts.

Im worried about the fact that Roger Goodell might spend all eternity in hell being set on fire by the devil while being hit over the head by out of tune violins wielded by Raider fans. Hell is the orignal sin city, and Goodell seems to be playing with fire by moving one of the NFLs premiere franchises to the desert.

Im concerned that by allowing a team to move to Vegas,the fans are going to start gambling on professional football. The league has done a great job in keeping its nose clean and scandal free in the past but with the leagues endorsement of Las Vegas, they could be opening themselves up to gambling as well as encouraging some of its players to partake in sexual improprietys outside the bounds of a committed marriage.

Roger Goodell did the right thing in making a public statement indicating that there are no net positives for the NFL when it comes to being assocated with legalized sports gambling. The games intergrity should never be called into question which is why they’re eliminating the PAT/commercial/Kickoff/commercial portion of the game in a effort to limit fanduel and draftkings from only having 2 advertisements each in the span of 60 seconds.

Is Roger Goodell going to go to hell when he dies? I would say probably. Hell would have a hell of a football team but there definitely in need of a upgraded personal conduct policy and Goodell would be the best guy to implement it. Lets look at all of the commandment’s that Goodell has broken and where he will go after he dies:

Lust- Roger Goodell dosen’t have sex he’s simply too busy protecting the shield to think about fucking anyone besides raider, rams, and charger fans. The only way Goodell would ever find his wifes G-spot on a map is if it offered his dick a tax incentive to move there.

Sloth- although JPP bares more of a physical resemblence to a sloth then Goodell himself, only 10% of teams in the NFL have moved under his tenure. Thats bump on a log level folks. And say what you want about his important work hiring chriopractors to lead NFL brain injury panels but no one has worked harder to try and accomplish the impossble task of proving that concussions dont cause long-term brain injuries than Roger Goodell. Just because you cant prove a negative dosen’t mean that Goodell wont give it the old college try.

Jealousy- Having your own small privates be jealous of your personalty for acting like such a huge prick dosen’t count as jealousy as much as it is vanity in a way so I think he’s in the clear here.

Wrath- besides the cities of New Orleans and Boston and whatever city you live in, I dont really see wrath playing apart in Goodells life. If Goodell were to get himself caught up in all sorts of little vengence adventures it would call into question his very integrity when it comes to doling out punishment. Imagine a commissoner who let past slights impact the way he punished teams in the future. If Goodell was wrathful, I supsect you would have seen him take a much tougher stance on the city of St. Louis for not being a good enough football town by maybe giving it another team and then stealing that one away as well.

Gluttony- pigs get fed and hogs get slaugtered. But its not gluttony when your getting paid to serve other peoples gluttony. Its like when you get in trouble as a kid and your defense is that your big brother told you to do it. Sure Goodells a glutton- a glutton for getting it right. A glutton for making sure that steps are taken to do things that are prudent.

Greed- Greed is actually good, sorry not sorry God. If God knew anything about economics he would understand that if it wasnt for greed, rich dickhead’s wouldn’t try to tear each other down all the time and instead we’d essentally have a union of billionares conspring to stay in power at the cost of there employees and customers. Good thing we dont have that in the NFL and its all because of greed. In fact one could make the agrument that God might be in hell for being so anti-free market, so if you’re judged by the company you keep well then it looks like Roger Goodells actually in heaven

We’ve all had that thought that we should just pack up and move to Vegas, and if you have Aldon Smith on your team I can certanly understand the appeal of moving to a location where there arent any laws to break. But after about 3 days the entire franchise is just going to want to go back home to a normal city. Also what happen’s in Vegas stays in Vegas so any team traveling to play the Raiders should be aloud to cheat as long as your never going to see those fans again. My guess is that its kind of a crap-shoot and if you want a QB whose only concerned about the come or the pass it seems like Vegas would be more suited for Philip Rivers then Derrick Carr.

On to the awards:

Road Grader of the Week: Brock Osweiler

Brock Osweiler is going to be given the opportunity to compete for the starting job in Cleveland depsite the fact that many people are saying he’s being blackballed because he sucks. You cant keep a tall man down folks, and hes certainly earned the opportunty to compete against various shades of shit for the right to lead Hue and the Browns.

I call him Lee Harvey Osweiler because he got blamed for alot of stuff depsite the fact that its unrealstic to believe he was ever accurate enough to accomplish anything through tight windows. I also call him Lee Harvey Osweiler because the only way he can be successful is if you take the top off the defense, and Brock ruined texans plans for a parade.

10 Things I Know I Know

1. Lot of people out there talking about blackballing these days now that a high profile former superstar out of Nevada has found themselves without a job after taking a publically controversal stance. Of course I’m talking about Tomi Lahren. Heres the thing about Tomi- even when she was at her best she was a gimmick newscaster. Instead of just delivering news in a orthodox manner she was allways looking to run with it and try & make a bunch of crazy points. Now that the playbook’s out there and folks can see how bad she is when she gets forced to her left, shes a backup at best. And news organizatons dont want any distractons from a backup anchor.

2. Like to issue a massive staywoke alarm for the viral video of the guy draning free throws while Julian Edelman does some wierd workout in the foreground. Clearly a ad for some copperfit phytan necklace for the old guy and were going to find out its some famous basketball player. In fact the only person I have offically ruled out it being is Nigel Hayes.

3. Heres a headling:Joe Flacco has been traning with a ex-con to stay in shape this offseason. The boxing instructors name is Maleek Jackson by the way, and he’s figured out presciently that the easiest way for people to forget that you’ve been arrested is to assocate yourself with the Ravens in which case its no big deal. Smart guy

4. Franco Harris has just endorsed marjuana for pain management issues in soldarity with LeVeon Bell and LaGarrette Blount. Best way I’ve found to avoid pain is by just not getting tackled. Pain is just weakness leaving the body so therefor if you smoke drugs to manage your pain, its like reverse weightlifting to make you weaker. Its also a classic hindisght is 2020 situation for a guy who played his entire career on astroturf to think that his joints would be better if he played on natural grass.

5. One of the most wonderfull times of the year is upon us with the comptition committee gathering to tweak the rulebook. The Redskins have proposed unlimited challenges and a sliding scale for touchbacks to start at the 20 or 25 depeding on wether the ball is kicked through the uprights, and in repsonse the Eagles have issued a statement:

6. Turns out the articles about Congress and has nothing to do with the Redskins. Jared Kushner says DC should be run like a business well lets do you one better and run it like a business with a anti-trust exempton. But folks if you realy wanted Washington to do something about its fans who struggled to demonstrate emotions maybe the r-words could try winning a playoff game

7. Larry Fitzgerald injured Bruce Arians shoulder by hugging him to hard on Christmas eve during a big meaningless win over the Seahawks. I think it was probly the first hug that Bruce had ever given in his entire life and his rotator cuff was not prepared for it. So if your keeping score in 2016 its not appropriate to punch Nazis but its also not ok to hug Arians.

8. At the Elite 8 game between Wisconsin and Florida on Friday I notice something very interesting. Aaron Rogers and Gene Steratore were sitting together for a bit in the first couple rows at MSG having a long conversaton. I’m not a conspiracy theory guy but having the referee who ruled that Dez dropped it in Green Bay fraternizing with Green Bays QB is a interesting look to say the least. Are Gene Steratore and Aaron Rogers having a affair? I’m not willing to rule anything out just yet but it would certainly explain Steratores willingness to blow it around A-Rod.

9. The comptition committee has also decided to make Dean Blandino the replay God and give him final say on all challenged calls. This is great news for all of us clamoring for the league office to take a more hands-on approach to dealing with the minutia of every single game. In other words, Dean is going to be watching every second of every game from the office in New York or Jerry Jones sex-cave or wherever.

Long time ago Goodell said that he wanted calls to be determined where a bunch of guys in a bar woud be able to tell if it was a catch or not. Well we allready have the technology to get a bunch of guys in a bar watching football, and with buzztime trivia we could simply add a queston and let the crowd at buffalo wild wings make all the important calls. The leagues also doing away with the requirement that the refs go under the hood to noodle around with those curtains, which the referees wives cant be too happy about.

10. According to Peter King, 2016 was actually the safest year for Quarterbacks in the last 13 years. The reason per King, is that “The Competition Committee believes it’s because defensive players are getting wiser about late hits on quarterbacks” but I’m here to tell you thats not the case. I cant help but wonder if the tough love on Cam Newton worked. By not calling any penaltys for roughing the passer or blows to the head it seems to of actually made Newton learn to protect himself instead of giving him handout’s in the form of penaltys. Its like in that movie War Games with Matthew Broderick how the computer learns to destroy the world without getting itself killed after running so many simulations. Also Newton just announced hes getting rotator cuff surgery and wont be able to throw the ball for 16 week’s, which is actually great preperaton for the regular season.