Mayor Of St. Louis Writes A Letter To The Haters Basically Saying "We're Sorry For Being Awesome" And Makes Me Want To Puke
(Source) The following is a response from the mayor of St. Louis to a Tuesday Journal article that named the St. Louis Cardinals the most hate-worthy team in this year’s baseball playoffs. The Wall Street Journal recently released its second-annual Major League Baseball Hateability Index in which it ranked the 10 playoff teams for 2014 “in order of general loathsomeness.” The rankings were based on 10 essential categories to haters including drug suspensions, “ridiculous beards” and, of course, the time-honored crime of winning too much.
On the strength of its pennant collection and rabid fan base, which both travels to opposing stadiums and refers to itself as a “nation,” my hometown St. Louis Cardinals came in first. “The Cardinals prevailed in large part because of one of the primary measures of repulsiveness: recent success,” the Journal reported, as St. Louis bested the nearly-as-loathsome Los Angeles Dodgers. Take that, L.A.! You see, while you might think of St. Louis as flyover country and not pay us much due, we’re kind of a big deal come October on Major League Baseball diamonds. In fact, we’re kind of a big deal for a number of reasons.
Thus, I feel compelled to deliver a simple message to America: We’re sorry. Sure, we’re sorry the Cardinals have won 11 World Series championships, two since 2006. But there’s much, much more for which we owe all of you a heartfelt apology. Indeed, we’re sorry that New York and San Francisco are 2.3 times and 1.7 times respectively more expensive to live in than the St. Louis metro area.
We’re sorry for producing one of the world’s best-selling batteries (Energizer) and two of the 10 best-selling beers in the world—Budweiser and Bud Light. We’re sorry that the four largest metro areas in the nation lost nearly 25,000 financial-service jobs between January 2007 and September 2012, while St. Louis added more than 5,500 in the sector. That guy Jon Hamm? Yeah, we’re sorry for raising him here and sending him out into the world for your entertainment delight.
We’re sorry for our diverse community in that more Bosnians—over 60,000—call St. Louis home than anywhere outside of Bosnia. We’re sorry for Forest Park, our beautiful 1,300-acre urban park comprises an award-winning zoo, science center, art and history museums, golf courses, ice rink and green space. We’re sorry for not only being home to 18 Fortune 1000 companies, but for developing one of the most promising and fastest-growing ecosystems for startups and entrepreneurs, delivering innovations that are being used by businesses and consumers world-wide. You know, like that pesky social-media platform Twitter (St. Louisan Jack Dorsey) or credit-card processing device Square (St. Louisan Jim McKelvey).
Advertisement
We’re sorry that at the 1904 World’s Fair in St. Louis, Richard Blechynden served tea with ice, thus inventing iced tea (although not the rapper/actor Ice-T). We are, in fact, actually kind of sorry that our state animal is the mule, but that’s another discussion for another day. The point is that we here in the Midwest are not a boastful people. We’re humble and quietly go about our business, inventing the things you use every day, entertaining you, finding employment for your citizens and handing you losses on the baseball field regularly. (We’re especially sorry to Chicago.) Don’t hate us because we’re beautiful here in St. Louis. But if you do, just know that we’re sorry. Go Cards!
–Francis G. Slay is the mayor of St. Louis.
HAHAHAHA. Was this real? Get the fuck out of here. I mean I expected something like this. I expected a sorry we’re so awesome letter but is this guy really bragging about the things I think he is? Energizer batteries and Bosnians? Bosnians? We’re talking about Bosnians? Even Bosnians will tell you that when you’re bragging about Bosnians you’re officially reaching for things to brag about. Trying to take credit for Twitter, and Iced Tea? Sorry for having cheap living costs because no one actually wants to live in St. Louis? Hey Buddy, newsflash, a lot of people think you’re a real city, you’re not. Your population is 300k. That’s nothing. You’re basically Rockford and it’s surrounding suburbs. And I will say this. I was actually sort of ok with this letter for a while. I get being proud in your city, that’s a cool thing. Right up until you got to this point.
The point is that we here in the Midwest are not a boastful people. We’re humble and quietly go about our business, inventing the things you use every day, entertaining you, finding employment for your citizens and handing you losses on the baseball field regularly. (We’re especially sorry to Chicago.) Don’t hate us because we’re beautiful here in St. Louis. But if you do, just know that we’re sorry. Go Cards!
The old I’m not humble but I want you to know how humble I am phrase. Get out of here St. Louis. Get the fuck out. And for everyone who says I’m just drinking Haterade yes, I am, and it tastes delicious. Took a bath in it this morning too. Got my hate level on a thousand trillion. You’re sorry St. Louis, no I’m sorry St. Louis, because my new crew is about to fuck you up.
