If All 32 NFL Head Coaches Entered Into A Tournament Style Wrestling Competition Who Would Win?
(Source) Raiders head coach Jack Del Rio and Bears coach John Fox know each other’s minds well enough to make this week’s game an interesting chess match. So Del Rio’s looking for another edge. Via Scott Bair of CSNBayArea.com, Del Rio has another method in mind for settling things with his old boss. “You want to beat the guys you know really bad. That’s just how it is,” Del Rio said. “I want to beat him real bad. He wants to beat me real bad. We’ll get our teams prepared and get after it.
“I wish it could be him and I wrestling on the 50, but it won’t come to that. Foxy is pretty tough and he might still take me. In seriousness, it’s going to be our two teams going at each other. It should be a good battle.” Of course, Fox is also 60 years old and two years removed from heart surgery, so the former NFL linebacker Del Rio might have other reasons to want to settle it that way.
So you’re saying I get to spend my morning envisioning a Battle Royale of NFL Head Coaches? Yes please. Everyone knows I’m an NFL Head Coach guy. Backup Quarterbacks and NFL Head Coaches, I can’t explain why I love them so much but I do. I spend more time thinking about bad quarterbacks and coaches that don’t even coach my team than probably any person on earth, and I don’t regret it for a second. My favorite blog every single year is the NFL Head Coach’s picture blog.
So without further ado, the first annual NFL Head Coach Hunger Games Bracket
AFC East
Rex Ryan over Joe Philbin
I actually think Joe Philbin, like Jim Caldwell, is already dead. Rex basically just has to show up, dig a grave, and dump his weird looking body in there. Change your face Joe, it’s scaring all of us.
Belichick over Bowles
I was THIS close to taking Bowles here because remember this is wrestling and strength but I can’t totally discount Belichick’s brains so he gets through the first round.
Second Round
Rex over Belichick
At some point brains and smarts only take you so far. At some point you have to have been in a few fights in your life. That’s Rex. Not to mention his leg tattoo says “I’m not afraid to lose a fight because I’ve already made the biggest regret in my life”
Which is incredible because he also has the tattoo of his wife in a Sanchez jersey and it’s still not the worst one on his body.
AFC South
Gus Bradley over Bill O’Brien
Guys with shaved heads and goatees that are not fat either sell meth, go on to be the best Jewish wrestlers of all time, or start biker gangs. Don’t fuck with those guys.
Ken Whisenhunt over Chuck Pagano
Chuck shows up, immediately starts crying.
Not to mention Ken Whisenhunt’s face screams “I’m a dad with 4 daughters in high school/college and I spend every waking hour just looking to beat the fuck out of someone”
Second Round
Whisenhunt over Gus Bradley
Tough second round matchup, both guys give off that military hard ass vibe. So what was the deciding factor? Well the fact that Ken Whisenhunt hired Todd Haley to run his offense in Arizona and anyone who hires Todd Haley to do anything has a couple of screws loose.
NFC East
Coughlin over Gruden
NFC East is nerd city. This isn’t even about Coughlin, it’s about Jay Gruden being the Fredo of the Gruden family and soft as a marshmallow. Do a sit up for me once, Jay.
Jason Garrett over Chip Kelly
I don’t trust gingers in fights, they have no rules or morals. Also Chip strikes me as the type of guy who doesn’t like to be touched or talked to or be around anyone or anything save for a spreadsheet with players he plans on trading for shittier players that suck at football.
“Uncle, I said Uncle Jason, STOP!”
Second Round
Coughlin over Garrett
Coughlin is the 1 seed that sees his entire bracket blow up from upsets and shitty teams. Cakewalk to the Final 4 not because of his own skill but because the rest of his competition sucks.
NFC South
Ron Rivera over Lovie Smith
You don’t get the nickname Riverboat Ron for nothing and you don’t then try to change that nickname to “Analytical Ron” unless you’re a little fucked in the head.
Fun Fact about Lovie that people may not know. In 1975 his Texas High School football team allowed 15 total points (11 shutouts) in a season. PF vs PA was 824-15. That’s incredible especially considering the fact that a Lovie offense hasn’t scored 824 point combined in the 40 years since.
Dan Quinn over Sean Payton
See Gus Bradley concerning bald goatee guys.
Second Round
Dan Quinn over Ron Rivera
If you can listen to Pete Carroll talk about the science behind Jet Fuel and Steel Beams for 2 years straight then a little wrestling match with Analytical Ron is nothing.
AFC North
Mike Tomlin over Marvin Lewis
Marvin Lewis doesn’t get out of the first round, I know, shocking.
John Harbaugh over Mike Pettine
Mike Pettine is currently in the running for dumbest coach in the NFL.
Hey Mike, nice prescription sunglasses, you borrow them from your grandmother?
Second Round
John Harbaugh over Mike Tomlin
Name alone. It’s like when Duke or Alabama gets the benefit of the doubt in the polls. Sometimes name, and where you come from, and who you’ve been associated with gets you preferential treatment. That’s just the way the world works.
Don’t be shocked if I don’t have Jim win this whole tournament from College, by the way. Like when the last man in the ring at Royal Rumble is someone no one expected.
AFC West
Andy Reid over Jack Del Rio
You know when the NCAA tournament is announced and the selection committee will put two powerhouse schools against each other in the first round and everyone will be pissed? Well that’s how I feel with this match up. My heart wants me to go with leather jacket Jack
But my head tells me that’s not happening.
Gary Kubiak over Mike McCoy
Sweet visor, nerd.
Ever almost die on a football field because you love competing so much? That’s what I thought.
Second Round
Andy Reid over Gary Kubiak
Andy sits on Gary, kills him once and for all.
NFC North
Mike Zimmer over Jim Caldwell
Not sure when Mike Zimmer became a Jew (Zimmerman in the bracket) but it doesn’t matter, Jim Caldwell hasn’t had a pulse since 1968
John Fox over Mike McCarthy
I’ll admit it, probably the only time the Bears will beat the Packers in the next 20 years. I mean look at this fat gooball.
Second Round
If you don’t think I’m putting John Fox into the Elite Eight so that the Bears can finally get a couple wins this season, well then you don’t know me well. John Fox also is like a slightly younger Tom Coughlin. Old guy strength but not so old like Coughlin where you’re afraid he will die in the driveway next winter while shoveling snow.
NFC West
Jeff Fisher over Pete Carroll
Come on.
*Low Deep Fart Noise*
Jim Tomsula over Bruce Arians
Love Bruce Arians, and any white guy who willingly wears a Kangol in public and kind of sort of pulls it off is cool in my book, but Tomsula is an animal.
“Bruce, Bruce, what are you wearing?”
“Cheeseballs by Tommy Cheeseballs”
Second Round
Jim Tomsula over Jeff Fisher
What a battle. Two bad body guys committed to the mustache. If there was a way to have the winner of this fight legally adopt me even though I’m a grown adult, it would be my dream and honor.
Elite Eight
Rex Ryan over Ken Whisenhunt
I randomly re-watched the Real Sports on Rex Ryan last night and I totally forgot that he almost got deported from Canada. I feel like getting deported from Canada has to be almost impossible. They just pat you on the back and ask you to be nicer, they don’t deport. So Rex has a mean streak, not to mention he’s #BillsMafia now, and #BillsMafia never loses, unless it’s the Super Bowl.
Dan Quinn over Tom Coughlin
The run ends for the NFC East. All about age here, if Coughlin was Dan Quinn’s age I’d give him a chance. Just tough to get the red cheeks “I’m going to die” look out of my brain.
John Harbaugh over Andy Reid
End of the line for the big man. At some point you meet a guy who wants to fight more than you, that’s when you throw on the Tommy Bahama, grab a Daiquiri and a plate of ribs and catch yourself a little afternoon nap.
Jim Tomsula over John Fox
I can only be a homer for so long, this one is a route.
Final Four
Rex Ryan over Dan Quinn
I am not a smart man and I don’t pretend to be one. But here is something I am sure of, a guy that makes feet fucking videos online doesn’t lose in many fights, that just doesn’t happen. Rex easy.
Jim Tomsula over John Harbaugh
Your brother’s reputation can only get you so far in life, should have drank more milk, John.
Finals
Jim Tomsula over Rex Ryan
Here’s what I know about Jim Tomsula.
He can’t speak
He looks like a frustrated mechanic who has been working on a 97 Honda Civic all day.
He once lived in a car with a dog and a cat because he had no one to talk to.
And he has that look, the look that if you fuck with him or try to get him to stop coaching football or even mess with him just a little bit, he’ll go to hell and back to make your life miserable. Jim Tomsula is a man’s man, Jim Tomsula has never lost a fight in his life.
