I Can't Wrap My Head Around Chris "Birdman" Andersen's Cyber Threesome/Catfishing

Big Cat9/19/2013 2:40 PM

(Full Story) A statement by Andersen’s attorneys released within days of the investigation asserted: “A female fan in 2010 mailed Mr. Andersen multiple letters and included several photos in which she was scantily clad. Chris and this woman communicated with each other and in 2011, this woman, who represented herself as 21 years of age, flew to Colorado, showing her required identification. After leaving Colorado, she became upset at his lack of interest. In 2012, she threatened to retaliate if he did not provide financial remuneration. … Mr. Andersen has been fully cooperative with the authorities.”

At some point during his tenure with the Nuggets, Andersen had a consensual sexual relationship with a woman from California. Though she had allegedly misrepresented her age to Andersen, he appears to have broken no laws in Colorado, where the statutory age of consent is 17.

Concurrent with that, Andersen was the victim of cyber identity theft at the hands of a different woman in Canada. The identity thief was able to access Andersen’s email, social media outlets, his phone, bank records, and even his video game console.

Posing as Andersen, the Canadian woman allegedly orchestrated the initial tryst between the player and the California woman. She then began communicating and corresponding with the woman from California. At one point, representing herself as Andersen, the imposter began making demands — some of them, sources say, sexually explicit — of the California woman.

The woman believed that it was Andersen making the demands and felt increasingly threatened. Eventually she went to the authorities. The sexually suggestive threats triggered the investigation of the Internet Crimes Against Children unit. When Douglas County Sheriff’s office executed its search warrant on Andersen’s home in Larkspur, Colorado, 40 miles south of Denver, police took his computer and other electronic equipment.

Investigators in the U.S. and Canada worked to connect dots, they amassed more than 4,000 pages of documents and found tentacles in multiple states. According to sources, there were allegedly multiple victims in multiple states — and may be other athletes whose identities were involved — but investigators believe one woman is at the center of it all.

According to Sergeant Line Karpish, spokeswoman with the RCMP, on January 15, 2013, Canadian police arrested a 29-year-old Manitoba woman in Canada for crimes in that country. She was charged with:

• Possession of child pornography

• Personation

• Extortion

• Transmission of Child Pornography

• Utter Threats

(She was released on conditions and is scheduled to appear in court in October. Sources tell SI that similar charges are expected to brought against the woman in Colorado.)

“It is my understanding that the investigation is fully culminated at this juncture,” Bryant said today. “What I can disclose to you is that the Douglas County Sheriff’s Office and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police have completed an extensive investigation and put together extraordinary effort to follow what I can only describe as a Daisy chain of events across several states and two countries.” (A Colorado law enforcement source familiar with the case confirms Bryant’s characterization.)

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Well that’s how you fucking catfish. If Manti Teo reads this he has to feel like an absolute shithead because this was like a full on ruthless Catfishing threesome. And to be honest, I still don’t fully understand it. Here’s what I think I got out of it (easily the toughest reading I’ve done since college).

1. Chris Andersen started getting sexy pictures from some chick online.

2. The chick met Birdman and turned out to not be as hot as her pictures led on. Surprise surprise guys! A fat chick pretended to be skinny on the internet

3. Birdman probably only let her blow him real quick, maybe took her out to pizza late night, then sent her gross ass back to Canada.

4. Birdman then had sex with a 17 year old in California which is a grey area but totally legal, probably a smoke.

5. Fat chick stole Birdman’s identity and started threatening the 17 year old.

6. Fat chick is charged with like 10 billion crimes and Birdman is completely exonerated.

I think that’s everything even though I’m sure I missed something. Just an absolutely bizarre crazy story that reads like one gigantic PSA titled “Chicks are fucking Psycho”. That’s the takeaway message. Don’t start internet dating because then you’ll have your identity stolen and fake you will start threatening girls you’ve banged that can be considered underage in some states which brings in the FBI and investigations of child pornography. K, got it. Point made Birdman. Just stick with gay fat kids from Hawaii, WAY easier.