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How To Survive A Polar Vortex AKA Really Cold Weather - A 10 Point Guide

Big Cat
Big Cat1/06/2014 7:40 PM

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Alright, well as everyone in Chicago and most of America knows, today is cold, like really fucking cold. Some calling it a Polar Vector Vortex (I’m an idiot) sounds pretty cool, others just saying they are afraid to lose their penis in this weather (totally fair). I’ve been outside twice to walk my dog and both times we made it a block before she was like fuck this and started sprinting towards home. Anyway, since we’re stuck with this for the next 2 days let’s get a quick survival guide. Everything you should do and nothing you shouldn’t. Here we go.

 

 

1) Don’t go outside.

 

This is your couch (if you’re poor and have poor people furniture)

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Do not leave it. Stay on it forever, bring blankets and pillows and your computer (mobile masturbation station), and chips, and pizza and beer. If you are going to do this correctly this should be your day.

 

triangle

 

 

You see that? That’s the Power Triangle. Couch, Fridge, Toilet. That’s been my playbook for over a decade now. You can’t beat that, it is the winning recipe.

 

 

2) Bundle Up/Drink Liquor

 

But Big Cat, my cocksucker of a boss is making me work today, I have to go outside, what should I do?

 

Ok, well first you should punch your boss in the face, or at least think about it to relieve some mental stress. Ready? Go.

 

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Whoa, Big Cat, did you just make the first ever cartoon/real life GIF? Yup, I did, nbd.

 

 

Anyway, back to work. If you do have to go to work do 2 things. 1) Wear a ton of clothes. Don’t try to be a hero, we’re not going for style points. Wear 3 pairs of pants and 10 sweatshirts, no one gives a fuck, and if they do well then they’re a moron. And 2) Drink. There is no excuse for stepping outside sober today. Take that burn off, whiskey, whiskey, and more whiskey.

 

 

3) Watch this video

 

 

 

4) And Look at these pictures.

 

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lolla

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wrigley

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chicago

 

 

5) Be ready to talk about weather

 

This is just a simple fact that comes with extreme weather, EVERYONE will want to talk about it. People at the office, your parents, your friends, random people on the streets, everyone. So be ready. Instead of hating the secretary at the office that mentions how cold it is embrace it. Because at the end of the day small talk is so so much better than real talk. Would you rather someone say “how about this cold?” or someone say “tell me about your hopes and dreams and how your life is a complete failure thus far?”. Small talk about the weather is better than real talk about life. Remember that.

 

 

6) With that said, do not hashtag this weather, or call it “Chiberia” that just makes you a fucking asshole that everyone secretly hates.

 

 

7) 69 Days

What’s in 69 Days? This

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Which means it’s also March Madness and close behind this

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Then bam, we’re back in Summer. 69 Days.

 

 

8) Football

 

Oh shit, there’s a football game tonight, a pretty big one actually.

 

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And would you look at that, more football this weekend.

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Football saves lives, it’s a scientific fact, it is food for the brain, remember that.

 

9) Lie

 

If your boss tells you that you have to go in today say you can’t get your car out, if he says take the train, say your heat is broken and you’re worried about your dog, if you don’t have a dog say your pipes might burst. I don’t care what it is, when weather like this hits you deserve to take the day off. Figure it out. No boss wants to get sued, use that to your benefit.

 

 

10) Take Auburn +10.5.

 

Is the SEC really a double digit dog against a freshman quarterback that is believing all his hype? K, thanks.

 

 

Also watch this video again.

Godspeed


Big Cat
Big Cat1/06/2014 7:40 PM