Breaking: Many People Are Saying I Fuck Weird Because I Enjoy Pumpkin Drinks

When I checked twitter this morning, I could tell right away that something was fucky.

The haters were starting early with their sexual position shaming agenda. I knew this day would come eventually but on the opening day of the NFL season? Have they no respect? No decency?

Let me start off by saying that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your dick if you have sex like this. That’s part of the fun of having a penis. It’s kinda like a long balloon that you can do whatever you want with. Wanna turn your dick into a puppy dog? Sure. A sword? You betcha. As a word of caution, don’t do this, though.

Ole Dick Lookin Like Finding Nemo Head Ass

Anyway, fellas, if you can slip it in there from the classic “cowgirl” position, get nuts. I’ve often said that the term “cowgirl” is a misnomer. Cowperson. You love having sex in the cowperson position.

“But Chaps, how can you thrust in that position? Not a thrusting fan?”

Buddy,,, I love to thrust. Of course, I do. This isn’t about that. It’s about pumpkin beers.

The fact that I like pumpkin beers does not demand that I only have sex in this position. Demanding that my sexual positional preferences be tied directly to the seasonal beer styling that I enjoy is a violation of my freedom: my liberty. Now, liberty, in case you’ve forgotten, is the soul’s right to breath. And when it cannot take a long breath, laws are girdled too tight. Without liberty, man is a syncope.

In conclusion, yes. I like pumpkin beers but I hate these rumors. These rumors are just another ploy by the haters to get me to talk about my personal sex life in public which I will never do. That’s my promise to you.