Barstool’s Weekend Soccer Preview – The “Hull is Leicester, Leicester is Hull?” Edition
Sam’s Safe Space For Soccer Stoolies
Gotta love the EPL scheduling gods. They gave us jussssssssst a taste of Friday afternoon soccer last week, then snatched it away again. Give them credit, they know how to keep us wanting more.
Unfortunately that’s not the only scheduling tweak that we are going to have to deal with this season, which is something that fans of Tottenham and Liverpool (especially those not on the east coast) are about to learn all too well, as the early Saturday morning kickoff has been moved EVEN EARLIER this season. Yeah, yeah, it’s only 15 minutes. Still sucks though.
Anyway, we got a full slate of games now that those lazy ass other European leagues have decided to start playing again, so let’s take a look at what’s on deck this weekend…
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ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE
Before we get to the meat of this blog sandwich, a quick reminder of what went down last weekend:
Now obviously what the table looks like two games into a 38-game season is about as consequential as Barstool Nate’s sex life, but because you gotta admit you want to know what’s going on anyway at this point so here it is:
Haters will say it was photoshopped but the answer is no, your eyes are not deceiving you: Hull City are sitting atop the EPL at the moment with a full complement of six points from two games. Last I checked you can’t do much better than that, not even with a million goals from The Zlatan, so I say we take this opportunity to put some respeck on the name of LOS TIGRES [rawr], especially since god knows they ain’t sticking around this end of the table for very long. Or might they……..
Let’s think about it for a minute. When you really look closely and actually break down the similarities between last season’s Leicester side and the team that Hull has out there right now you might be surprised:
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– both use a starting formation with 11 players
– both play with a goalie in net
– both wear shinguards
– both have feline mascots
Alas, the similarities end there.
Yep, enjoy it while it lasts you beloved Hull bastards, the music will soon be tolling for thee.
Oh! Right! Before I forget, here are some highlights from the second round of games for those picture-readers in our midst:
Everton? With a pretty goal? Wtf.
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Michail Antonio changed the celly game forever last season with his sit-and-spin move. Could lightning strike twice? You better fuckin believe it.
If Antonio doesn’t bring back The Dougie next time round then what’s the point of him still playing soccer?
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Kudos to Diego Costa. All those years of whining and crying like a little baby about how refs are coming after him has finally paid off. He somehow magically avoided a second yellow and then scored a late winner for Chelsea not once but twice in two games now. Troll game on point.
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Liverpoo’s defense is looking gooooooooooooooooood this season
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QUESTIONS ON MY MIND HEADING INTO THIS WEEKEND:
– Will Arsenal win a game this season?
– Will Leicester score a goal this season?
– Can The Zlatan continue to outscore Leicester, Crystal Palace, Southampton and Swansea (combined) this season?
– Is Lynden Gooch heading for a near-term call-up from Jurgen Klinsmann or will Sunderland’s struggles slowly strangle the life out of his form this season?
Anyway here’s what we got coming up this weekend:
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PICKS OF THE WEEK
Game of the weekend is a toss-up but I’m going with Spurs/Liverpool for reasons to be explained below:
Tottenham [+130]
Liverpool [+200]
Draw [+245]
Things just haven’t been going Liverpool’s way heading into this matchup. They just lost to Burnley on week after conceding three goals to Arsenal’s C-team. The club is dealing with some injury concerns, including Emre Can and Divock Origi in doubt. What’s more, Sadio Mane is expected to play but may be hampered by a shoulder problem and last I checked Daniel Sturridge is still Daniel Sturridge.
For Spurs, GK Hugo Lloris is on IR with a Sturridge and Moussa Dembele is still out after trying to remove one of Diego Costa’s eyeballs last season, which inexplicably earned him a 6-game suspension instead of a distinguishing service medal.
All in all though there is zero excuses for Tottenham to lose this. Liverpool fans will hate to hear this but Spurs are a better team top to bottom. Feel free to argue with me about this in the comments but just know that you are dumb and wrong. If your best argument is that “b-b-b-but Liverpool always beats Spurs” you at least have a point, but past performance (especially with all different personnel) is a pretty shitty indicator of future success. The only – and I do mean only – reason Klopp & Co. could possibly win this puppy is because the soccer gods hate when I’m happy, which come to think of it is a pretty solid rationale. But I’m not buying it, not today anyway. Tottenham to win 3-1.
[PS: in case you’re new around here and are beginning to wonder if I pick Spurs to win every week, let me assure you: I do not. It has just worked out that way so far this season.]
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Hull [+650]
United [-215]
Draw [+300]
This could easily be considered the game of the week, and in fact probably will by many people, which is all well and good except it ignores one small thing: United is good; Hull is not. As mentioned above, give Los Tigres some credit for two wins on the trot. A lot of talking heads would have put money on them not doing that all season, let alone right off the bat like that. They don’t even have a full-time coach at this point for god’s sake. But facts are facts: they caught Leicester hungover and/or flat-footed and Swansea is toothless at the moment, and things are going to get a whole lot tougher starting………. welp, right about now.
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United has looked good so far but hear me now (and laugh at me later): they are going to struggle at certain points this season. Bailly was a great addition but if you as a fan aren’t a little nervous about that backline than you’ve been smoking something. Pogba will experience some growing/acclimating pains. Geezers like Rooney and – dare I say even – The Zlatan are going to wear down a bit as the months go on. I’m obviously playing devil’s advocate to a certain extent because the squad is solid, but come March the Red Devils may well find themselves wishing they had sucked as badly as Chelsea and/or Liverpool last season, thus allowing them to avoid midweek trips to Turkey and Ukraine and god knows where else.
Those concerns are another matter for another time though. This weekend they face Hull, and [refresher] Hull ain’t all that good. United to win 2-0.
I know it was you, Fredo
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City [-350]
West Ham [+850]
Draw [+485]
A few weeks ago this looked like a mighty tasty matchup. Then Ayew and Carroll and Feghouli and Cresswell got injured (out) while Lanzini, Noble and Nordtveit and – oh by the way – Payet are all in doubt. Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes. The Hammers D-squad will try to make this a dogfight, and they do play best when their backs are against the wall, but anybody who watched their performance in midweek against something called Astra Giurgiu knows that they are going to be hard-pressed to stick with a stacked and healthy City team. City to win 2-0.
West Ham’s season so far
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Other picks:
• Leicester [-140] is not the same team as last year, yet at they also haven’t regressed to their relegation-threatened form of 2014-15. Swansea should improve as the season goes on, and I like the addition of striker Borja Baston, but guess who is out this week? Yep, Baston. This one feels like a reversion-to-the-new-mean type of game for the home side… Leicester to win 3-1.
• ^^UPSET WATCH^^ – Battle of two clubs that are jusssssssssst on the verge of joining the big-swinging-dicks table, but not quite there. Everton [-140] has looked relatively solid so far while Stoke [+400] followed up a thoroughly “meh” draw at Middlesbrough by looking straight bunk against City last weekend, never recovering after an early and highly questionable PK call went against them. I can’t help thinking that (a) its way past time for a patented Everton disappointment and (b) a 4-0 demolition of Stevenage in midweek may have been the spark the Potters needed to get started this season. Stoke to win 2-1.
• Chelsea [-435] is playing with fire coming off two games in which they likely deserved one point but managed to eke out wins in both, and Burnley [+1075] is a club that may just find a way to bunker and potshot its way to glory (aka safety) this season. I’ll be honest, I don’t love Chelsea in this one. If you are looking for a “deep sleeper” in fantasy football parlance then you could do much worse than the Clarets. I’m itching to pull the trigger on a shock result… but I’m a massive wuss. Chelsea to win 1-0.
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REST OF THE WORLD
In case you missed it, I posted an extremely detailed, all-inclusive and comprehensive preview of the other important European leagues last week, which you should definitely read if you want to wrap your head around what is going on across the British Isles on the continent.
As for what games to watch for this weekend…
Germany: Borussia Monchenpenisgladbach vs Bayer Leverkusen on Saturday (11:30am CT on FOX)
Italy: Lazio vs Juventus on Saturday (11am CT on beIN)
Spain: Real Madrid vs Celta Viga on Sunday (1:15pm CT on beIN)
MLS: solid Sunday slate should be an ideal way to practice for NFL season by spending the entire day with your fat ass planted on your couch
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Next weekend is another one of those beloved “international breaks” so you get a break from me for a little while. Fear not though, I’ll be back before you know it.
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Holler,
Sam U. L. Army