Alert - If You're Living In The Northwestern Suburbs And Just Broke Up With Your Girlfriend Tread Lightly Because She's Trying To Give You Pubic Lice Through An Elaborate Scheme

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Earn $$$ by flirting with my ex boyfriend +some (Northwest Chicago) Ok, there’s no way around it, this is going to sound like the post of a crazy person (lol, and maybe it is!) I am looking to pay some good money to hire an attractive woman in her twenties to show up at a party my ex boyfriend is going to be at, flirt with him (he is very cute and nice and funny, so it won’t be hard to do) and get herself invited to his home in order to…. infect his bedding by pouring out a small (safe to carry around) air tight container of pubic lice.

I know this sounds terribly malicious — but it is actually not! It’s just temporarily malicious, in the service of a higher (maybe crazy, probably crazy) kind goal: The goal is this. This guy is the love of my life and has told me sincerely that I am the love of his life. I know this sounds crazy, but I know this to be true. We were together for a year and friends for a long time before that. We were really happy together, and we have an extremely special connection. Neither of us is going to find someone else who will make us happier in life. We have both acknowledged that. We are meant to be together.

Sigh The problem is this: My ex-boyfriend is still in this early-20s man-phase of (1) feeling very scared of commitment and (2) imagining that there is some value to sleeping around with as many people as possible and that (3) that one can hook up endlessly with casual strangers in a truly safe way. Being a few years older than him, and having seen friends get burned from living like that (really, having seen friends get herpes and HPV, despite using condoms, from casual hook ups) I know this is not a sustainable or truly safe lifestyle. But being a dude in his early 20s, he thinks he is invincible and will never become a statistic.

While he and I are still good friends, obviously we can’t be together until he works through this nonsense. So basically it’s this—- I am looking for someone to help my Ex along the inevitable journey of realizing that casual hook ups have risks and pitfalls and aren’t really generally worth it; And to help him come back to the (much more sane) idea that a relationship with me was a pretty great deal, all things considered, even with the trade-offs that are perhaps posed by monogamy and even with the oh-so-scary experience of interdependence.

Specifically, I am looking to help my Ex along this journey of growing up by paying a cute girl some of my hard earned money to flirt with him at a party, go home with him, go to second or third base with him, and leave him with an annoying but easily curable infection of crabs as a cautionary tale to help him get the picture that he is making a dumb set of choices. Again, he’s really cute and fun and sexy, you’ll have a good time hanging out with him, it won’t be a chore.

And again, I know this whole ploy sounds crazy, but this guy really is the love of my life and I really am his. And eventually he is going to come to that conclusion (I think he knows it now). I am just impatient and want to speed up the process a little, by contriving a few experiences that sour him on the path he’s (out of fear) currently pursuing. And bring him back to the proper conclusion that two people who are the loves-of-each-other’s-lives should just bite the bullet and be together. Cuz it’s just better than all the alternatives.

Location: Northwest Chicago
do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers
Compensation: Pay is negotiable—- a couple hundred dollars plus my eternal gratitude!

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You know the old saying, don’t stick your dick in crazy. Well I think the elongated version of that saying is don’t stick your dick in a chick that is ready to get married tomorrow, have 20 kids and will set up an elaborate plot to give you pubic lice just to make sure it all happens. That’s crazy times infinity. Head on a swivel guys, consider this the most important PSA of all time.

PS

Chick Logic 101 – He told me he loved me so it must be true.

The goal is this. This guy is the love of my life and has told me sincerely that I am the love of his life. I know this sounds crazy, but I know this to be true. We were together for a year and friends for a long time before that.

Every guy at some point in his life has told a girl he doesn’t like that he loves her, and then he jizzed. Truth hurts.