Which TV Lawyers Should We Hire To Sue Roger Goodell?

This morning, thanks to Shalise Young, I found out that FANS can sue Roger Goodell and the NFL over Defaltegate. FANS, I tell you! How have we not already done this? It’s appalling that it’s taken this long.

Since we’re now a division of the Chernin Group, I assume we’ve got access to some pretty big company funds that can be used for retaining representation. Well I’ve been racking my brain all day to come up with the best possible team to sue Roger, get our picks back, and finally kick that ginger-haired devil out of office.

Here’s my dream team list:

(Note: Lot of people tweeting me that I forgot Jackie Chiles. No I did not. Jackie Chiles lost almost every case he was involved in. I don’t care if it was Kramer’s fault most of the time, you’ve got to control your client. I’m in in to win it, so no Jackie.)

5. Charlie Kelly

I’ll be honest, this one is just because I want to hang out with Charlie. Perhaps if The Attorney were to sit second chair we’d have a real shot, but I’d be willing to lose this case if it meant a couple of beers with Charlie. Although one thing we have going for us with Atty. Kelly is that he’s The Rat King. He smashes rats with his spiked baseball bat, he drowns rats, he destroys rats for a living. Roger Goodell is a rat and Charlie might just kill him on sight.

4. Franklin and Bash

The Tom Brady of lawyers. They’re underrated, scrappy, and were overlooked. But when push comes to shove, when it’s the fourth quarter and they need a touchdown drive, Franklin and Bash reach into their bag of tricks and come out the victors.

3. Saul Goodman

Roger Goodell doesn’t fight fair. He’s the kind of guy who will ignore scientific fact and suspend a guy for getting a new cellphone even though he was told he didn’t need to turn in his cellphone. Roger will say that “destroying evidence” a defendant was told he didn’t have to turn in is a sign of guilt, then Goodell will go and bury all the collected PSI evidence in an unmarked grave. Roger Goodell is a deceitful, lying, corrupt man and sometimes it’s best to fight fire with fire.

2. Harvey Specter

Goodell has sat across the table from some powerful New York attorneys before, but none like Harvey Specter. This is a man who has never lost. Refuses to do it. He’d walk into that office, adjust his perfectly tied Windsor knot, and Goodell would poop in his panties. You see, Roger is a classic playground bully. He thinks he’s the hotshot so he tries to push everyone around. But, as with all bullies, you punch them in the face once and they’ll cower. Harvey is the kind of guy who will punch Rog in the face.

1. Buting and Strang

Believe it or not, Buting and Strang have already tried this case. It’s the exact same one as Making a Murderer. Tom Brady is Steven Avery, the handsome man who everyone looks upon as some kind of devilish character thanks to some bullshit ruling years ago. Roger Goodell is the Manitowoc sheriff’s department, he can feel the pressure from past fuck-ups (SpyGate, CTE, Hardy, Peterson, Rice, etc) and knows he needs to really nail this one. Goodell, like Lt. Lenk and Sgt. Colborn, will go to the extreme in order to get his man. He’ll lie, cheat, steal, plant evidence, and ignore facts. Once he collects all his fake evidence, he’ll leak it to the media, as the Sherrif’s Department did with their outrageous press conference. Buting and Strang have been there, done that with this and while they lost the first one, the jury won’t be tainted this time around.