We Need To Have A Serious Talk About Beauty And The Beast

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Welcome to this week’s edition of Rob’s Monday Morning (and sometimes afternoon) Movie Review. It’s gonna be a bit different this week, because I have little to say about the movie, and more to say about it’s story.

*Spoilers galore because this is a remake of a 25 year old movie that doesn’t deviate at all from the original.*

As far as the movie goes, it’s really well done. If you’re simply going to feel some nostalgia and watch a live action version of Beauty and the Beast, you’ll leave the theater a happy girl. I was skeptical about Emma Watson going in, but knew in the first ten minutes she was the right choice. Josh Gad as LeFou stole every scene he was in, and the “gay” controversy was completely overblown. Not only should you not care if someone was gay and therefore non-interested in foot based sports, but his gay moment was a blink-and-you-miss-it scene. I can also tell you Ewan McGregor’s performance as LumiĆ©re is worth the price of admission alone, and I’m not only saying this because he was in Star Wars. He’s seriously laugh out loud funny with almost every word that comes out of his mouth.

Now for the real meat and potatoes of this blog. Beauty and the Beast, as a fairytale, as a story, fucking sucks. There, I said it. It’s horrible. Let’s go through the whole thing.

Belle walks a weird line between being loved and hated by her entire village. I can’t tell if she’s the girl everyone loves or hates, and neither can she. There’s one guy that asks her out early on, and it’s Gaston. Sure, he’s a bit of a tool, but he’s clearly into her because he only pursues Belle when he can have any girl in the village. She turns him down by calling him an idiot, saying he’d never be able to change enough for her to even give him a shot. I guess that’s fair if you’re really looking for Prince Charming. IF.

Her dad then goes off to get her a flower, and gets kidnapped by a walking, talking, animal. This motherfucker looks like Krampus and all of his cups talk. It’s insane. Belle goes to get her dad, sacrifices herself for his freedom, and begins an escape plan. She’s unfazed by the Beast. The only thing on her mind is escape, which was coincidentally the only thing on my mind 19 years ago. The cups and candles and clocks and shit know about the curse they’re under, and tell the Beast he should invite Belle to dinner and treat her a little kinder. In turn, he slams into her door, screams at her, and says she IS eating dinner with him or she’ll starve to death. Kinda messed up. She tells him she’d rather die than eat with him, understandably.

Belle finds a way out, gets on her horse, and rides off into the forest, getting as far away as humanely possibly. The Beast realizes his victim is missing, and chases after her. He wants Belle all for himself, so he fends off the wolves around her, getting bit by one himself. Any victim of kidnapping would view this as a blessing, but Belle decides to drag him limp body back to the castle and care for him.

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Bitch has Stockholm Syndrome for days! She immediately falls for him after this, and claims he’s gentle and caring because he savagely tore up some wolves that were maybe gonna eat her. The Beast, using his tiny brain, understands he may be able to play Belle into breaking the curse, so he shows her his big ol’ library and starts getting cutesy with her. She falls for him AT. EVERY. TURN.

THIS THING

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GETS WITH THIS GIRL

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AND PUTS IN LITTLE TO NO EFFORT!

There is NO reason for Belle to not despise the Beast, let alone fall in love with him. In no world, not even in this stupid fucking fairy tale world, should Belle have any emotion towards the kidnapper of her and her father but hatred. She should hate his guts and want to rip off his horns and stab him with them. But no. Let’s forgive ALL of that. Maybe Belle is super into beastiality. To each their own.

At the end of the movie, the enchantress sees that Belle and the Beast are in love, and reverses the spell. The Beast turns back into The Prince, and he looks like fucking Fabio. At that point, if you’re Belle, the guy you married might as well have gained 600 pounds. He’s no longer the man animal you fell in love with. Call it quits. BUT NOOOOOOOOOO.

SHE STICKS WITH HIM AND ASKS HIM TO GROW A BEARD. WHAT THE FUCK, BELLE?!

You know what? I hate that I have to do this, but Belle, you’ve officially been challenged to the UFC Octagon.

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