War Machine Tried To Kill Himself In Jail Last Night Because He's A Big Ol' Pansy

(Source) — War Machine tried to kill himself in his Las Vegas jail cell this week … but his attempt was foiled by a corrections officer. Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … Tuesday night around 9:30 an officer was walking by War Machine’s cell in Clark County Jail. The officer saw him sitting on the ground with his feet up on the bunk bed. When the officer called to him he was unresponsive. The officer went into the cell and found the ex-MMA fighter had a piece of linen around his neck which was tied to the leg of the bed — and his face was purple. The officer cut the linen, removed it … and we’re told War Machine’s breathing became less strained and he attempted to speak. He’s currently in a medical isolation cell on suicide watch. We’re told officers found what appeared to be suicide notes in the cell. War Machine is in jail awaiting trial for the attempted murder of his ex-girlfriend, porn star Christy Mack, and her friend Corey Thomas. War Machine’s attorney tells us one of the letters found in the cell was written to Christy.

“I do alpha male shit like attempt suicide but suck so bad at it I can’t even get that right!” Pusssayyyyyyy. Although I do admit I think it’s funny that we naturally call these guys who attempt to kill themselves in prison pussies or cowards. Say shit like “you did the crime now do the time!” FUCK that. If I was this dude I would’ve tried to kill myself weeks ago. What took him so long? If I’m looking at a million charges like attempted murder, kidnapping, attempted rape, etc then I’m killing myself. No questions asked, I’m gone. So I guess that’s my only issue with this move, that he wasn’t good enough to get the job done, much like his porn and MMA careers. Boom, roasted.

PS – What do you think his letter to Christy said? I mean every guy has fucked up and tried to talk himself back into a relationship. I won’t pretend I’m better than that. But there’s a big difference between trying to explain your way out of never being “present” or sending flowers and trying to explain your way out of trying to rape and murder her. Feel like that last one is a lot harder to convince her you’ll be better next time.