These "Secrets All Men Keep From Their Girlfriend" Are Total Nonsense

via Women’s Health

We occasionally check out other women. Oh come on—don’t act surprised. I’m sure you don’t have blinders on. Even married women drool at the site of David Beckham’s tattooed torso. Can we all just accept the fact that there’s still something in our brains that lights up when we see a healthy specimen of the opposite sex? It’s innate, totally out of our hands, and more importantly, it doesn’t matter. Our attention span for another woman’s plunging neckline or short skirt is as short as Beckham’s briefs. We’re still far more interested in you. 

Is this even a secret anymore? People just pretend like it’s some big mystery that guys look at girls. You know I’m doing it, that’s not classified. We don’t have control over our actions. When we sleep we’re dreaming about other girls and when other girls walk by we look at them. We’ll try and be discreet but no promises.

Before things became serious, we stalked you on Facebook. Like, really stalked you. As in, we know what you wore to prom. 

No. I might’ve looked at your profile thumbnail, or whatever you have unlocked, but I’m not dumb enough to friend you and announce that I’m looking at your pics. That’s rookie bullshit. And if I were to do that, I sure as hell wouldn’t go all the way back to your high school pics. I’m not a girl stalking her ex’s new girlfriend.

We still watch porn. Not often, but we do. And we want this to be cool with you. In fact, we’d be pretty happy to watch porn with you. (But we’ll probably wait for you to bring that one up.) 

Yeah this isn’t a secret either. I have no problem telling you I watch porn still. I may keep secret the KIND of porn I’m watching, but not the fact that I fire up some PornHub to fall asleep at night.

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We love it when you have girl’s night. Don’t fall for the puppy dog routine. Oh no! You’re leaving me alone? Well okay, guess I’ll just read a book or something. The truth is, guys love the occasional night alone—we get to act like sloppy bachelors again, if only for a night. So while you’re out, we’re playing video games, watching action movies, listening to old bands from high school. Plus, absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? A little away time is never a bad thing. 

A girls night is probably better than a blow job. Girls night is like a snow day for adults. We get to be exactly who we want to be and live with no responsibilities. Go out with your friends babe, I’m gonna sit on the couch in my underwear, eat ice cream and watch porn.

All that hair in the drain? It freaks us out. But we’re going to be cool about it, because we’re sure you put up with plenty of filth from us. 

Because we pee in the shower and when your hair is clogging it we just stand in our piss, and I think that’s how you get athlete’s foot.

We’re happy when you bring up the important topics. We may seem to clam up when you bring up kids, marriage, or little dogs that fit in purses. But the truth is, we respect it when you initiate a big conversation. Talk is important, and we know it, but we find it all too easy to procrastinate on the milestone discussions. So when you bring it up—especially if you do it casually, and with a genuine interest about how we feel—you reassure us that you’re the right girl for us. And as long as we’re being honest here, that purse-dog will always make us uncomfortable. 

WHAT?! Who the fuck wrote this? We do not love it when you bring up serious topics. You know why guys love Peter Pan? Because we all want to be kids forever. Kids have it much better than the guy whose girlfriend just brought up an important topic that he didn’t pay enough attention to so now they’re in a fight that will last weeks until it ends the relationship all together.

We’re not a fan of your bright pink lipstick. You gave us a tiny peck an hour ago, and we’re still paranoid that we’re wearing it. 

Don’t wear weird lipstick like purple or black or some shit. You keep it to pink and red and we’re good. And I’ve never been paranoid that I’m wearing lipstick because I got a peck. I wiped my mouth and I’m not a retarded person, so I’m sure I got it.

We notice when other guys check you out. It stirs something in us that falls somewhere between pride and jealousy, and it triggers a protective machismo every time.  

This one is actually pretty true. Honesty time: I get very jealous. Yes, that’s a double standard because I just said men do it, but too bad. Me checking out a girl is VERY different than you checking out a guy. Because you could fuck that person you’re checking out, I couldn’t. A guy staring at a hot chick is like window shopping at a Maserati dealership, a girl staring at a hot guy is like deciding if you feel like putting in the minimal effort to bend over and pick up that dollar off the ground.

We like compliments. Proper men know that when a woman looks great, he tells her. When she just blew his mind in bed, he says so. And even though we don’t let on, we love to get those compliments, too. From the woman we love, a little reassurance every so often is clutch. And the more outrageous and unbelievable, the better. Something like, “You’re the most handsome man on the planet” or “Your penis is so perfect, it should be preserved in bronze for future anthropologists to study” will always make us smile. 

Particularly sex ones. Tell me you’re sore in the morning and I’ll love you forever.

We were nervous the first time we had sex with you. Sure, we were playing it cool. But deep down, we were telling ourselves, “This girl is awesome—don’t climax too early, don’t wait too long, don’t make any weird noises, don’t make that dumb O face…”

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Probably the first five times. When I stopped being nervous you noticed, because it was pretty much when I stopped trying.

Sometimes we’re just not in the mood. Yeah, believe it. Guys aren’t always horny. Sometimes, we’re bloated, tired, or stressed. But most of us will still go through the motions if you’re in the mood. So if his performance is occasionally off, this might be to blame.  

I’ve said this a lot so, yeah, not in the mood plenty. Particularly when you come home from girls night. You’ve been shooting tequila and getting hit on, I’ve been living like Kevin McCallister: eating junk food and watching rubbish.