There's No Shot The Average Person Eats 23 POUNDS Of Apples Per Year

Saw this commercial last night and almost sawed my own head off. 23 pounds? 23 POUNDS of apples is what the average human being consumes in a given year? That is absolutely preposterous. I don’t think I’ve even seen a fucking apple since ’04 let alone consumed one.

I’m not even trying to be a tough guy here, I’m not posturing as a “just give me meat and potatoes” man. I mean, that’s what I am, but I can admit I’ll dabble in fruit from time to time. Raspberries, strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, any berry really, they all fuck. Pears, bananas, pineapples, fucking kiwis, I get down with all that shit. But guess what? Apples are a disgusting, garbage fruit. They taste like insulation. They’re almost always dry and disgusting. Finding a good apple is akin to finding buried treasure.

Yet you monsters eat an infants weight in them every year? That’s crazy talk. There are so many delicious fruits out there and there’s no need to settle on these vile tree growers. I don’t care how long you hope to keep the doctor away, it’s not worth assaulting your taste buds with apples.

PS – This may make me sound like a pussy but 270 beers for the average person actually surprised me too. Yeah, most people I know drink more but that still seems like a high “average” when you consider all the Mormons, wine drinkers, liquor drinkers, and people who simply don’t drink.