The Story Of Zola The Stripper And Her Whore Friend In Florida Is Taking The Internet By Storm (Warning: Incredibly Long)

Feitelberg10/28/2015 7:17 PM

This was the longest thing I’ve read since The Illiad in high school, and almost as difficult to understand as The Illiad would have been if I’d grabbed the authentic Greek version. Lottttta dialect and abbreviations in there.

But it’s an unbelievable story (I kinda literally mean that for some parts).

Since it’s so long I’m just gonna give you quick highlights.

– Zola met Jess working at a Hooters in Detroit and flew to Florida with her the next day to strip. At that point, all bets are off. You meet a stripper in Detroit on Monday and you’re in a Florida strip club with her on Tuesday? Then you’re in the shit. Whatever happens, you agreed to.

– Respect the fuck out of a Jess’ ho game. In college I lived with a kid who pretty much had two girlfriends and it looked exhausting lying all the time. Jess has a boyfriend, a pimp, a sugar daddy, and tons of clients. That’s some incredible time management.

– Zola saying she “fucked her man calm” before she left is hysterically true. That’s how simple men are, just fuck us. We won’t even remember what we were fighting about then you can go do whatever you want.

– What fucking club were they at that required boy shorts and pasties? Florida has diners advertised on the side of the highway where the waitresses are topless sans pasties. Was this place inside a Chuck E Cheese? (business idea: strip clubs attached to Chuck E Cheese for the dads)

– I did not know “trapping” also meant whoring. I thought the trap was the place you cooked your coke. Fetty Wap taught me that.

– Minimum of $500 on Backpage is a little excessive if you ask me, especially in Florida. I’m more of a $200, $300 on payday weekend, kinda guy. If I were to ever do it, that is.

– Fucking 20 dudes in a night is some hardcore hoing. Also, if Jess told her pimp the “truth” when she said she made 5,500 then I think you guys got screwed a few times. I’m not a mathematician but I think 20 x 500 is, give or take, 10k.

– The moment I saw Jarret start punching himself in the face I woulda been out of there. Cracked out white dudes punching themselves are not to be fucked with. That’s the kinda shit little white kids do the day before they shoot up the school.

– Posting that your girl is a hooker on her own Facebook is fucked up. Airing anything about your significant other, I don’t care if she’s a regular cheater or a whore, on Facebook is over the top. Relationships are like a team: always keep it in the clubhouse.

– You CANNOT let your girlfriend blow a black guy right in front of you while you cry. That’s, for the first time ever with the real use of the word, the worst cuckolding ever. Once those pants get unbuckled you gotta rush the guy and fight him. If he shoots you dead then he shoots you dead. I’ll tell tale of your honor.

– Once a person I don’t know is kidnapped while in Florida, I’m out. I don’t call her boyfriend, don’t call her pimp, I hail a cab and head to the airport. Never like to end a vacation on a down note but you have no choice.

– Exactly what I just said only this time for when someone gets shot in the face in a hotel room.

– Jarret has to be the most useless person ever. Can’t even commit suicide properly. I do love Z not trying to convince him not to do it though, he just didn’t want it on his property. Families live there, man. (For the record I do not believe this part at all).

– I do give props to Zola for finally coming to her senses and cutting ties after she got a call from prison in Vegas. Eventually everyone learns their lesson, like a lab rat getting electrocuted when he tries to eat the cheese. It took Zola getting dropped off at a shady motel, stripping at a weak club, whoring, pimping, witnessing a cuckholding, witnessing a murder, and witnessing an attempted suicide. But she eventually got it.

– Also, even if this is true, I’d still fuck Jess. She does it for me.

So that’s the story of Zola, Jess, Z, and Jarrett’s wild weekend in Florida. It’s probably fake, but if its popularity is any sign then it will be bought and optioned to a movie in time for next summer. If I may be so bold as to cast that, here’s who I’d take…

Zola – Kerry Washington