Steve Ballmer Bans Clippers Players and Employees From Using Apple Products

SOURCE – Los Angeles Clippers owner and former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer has revealed that he has banned his players from using Apple products. The businessman, thought to be worth around $20billion, made it clear this week that he would not tolerate his NBA stars using technology produced by his former competitors. With iPhones and iPads now strictly off limits – some players may have to start figuring out how to use devices made by Microsoft. Mr Ballmer said: ‘Most of the Clippers are on Windows, some of the players and coaches are not. Referring to the team coach, Glenn Rivers, he added: ‘And Doc kind of knows that’s a project. It’s one of the first things he said to me – “We are probably going to get rid of these iPads, aren’t we?” ‘And I said, “Yeah, we probably are.” But I promised we would do it during the off season.’

I thought Steve Ballmer was great for the Clips. I love his energy, I love his omnipresent sweat stains, and I love the fact that he screams incoherently when he speaks like he’s in a car wax infomercial at 3 a.m. The guy is immediately one of the two most public, most entertaining owners in the NBA. But no Apple products? C’mon dude. You lost the phone/tablet game when you were running Microsoft, and you can’t win it now by banning Clippers employees from using the phone that everybody else in the world uses. This policy makes him no better than Donald Sterling: they’ve both taken completely unreasonable, discriminatory stances that ban a specific group (iPhones for Ballmer, black people their side piece was probs fucking for Sterling) from the arena. That’s the one thing you can’t do right now.

I’m excited for the locker room leaks to start, though: players rumbling about wanting Sterling back, DeAndre Jordan saying he’d rather hear about Magic Johnson’s AIDS for the thousandth time than have to sext on some weird new phone, J.J. Reddick whining that his Otterbox case doesn’t fit on a Windows phone because Reddick is definitely one of those suckers that uses an Otterbox because he’s always scared he’s gonna drop his phone. People are gonna be PISSED. It’s pretty simple: non-iPhone users are either hipsters or poor people. If your texts show up green in my phone I’m basically not gonna talk to you ever again. It doesn’t matter if you’re a professional athlete millionaire: you use a phone not made by Apple, and you’re immediately worse at life. No way this injustice will stand.