People Keep Stealing Christmas Trees From A Tree Farm In Maine and I Couldn't Be More On Their Side
SOURCE — The owner of a Maine Christmas tree farm says customers are taking advantage of his business’ honor system by stealing trees and wreaths. Todd Murphy, of Trees to Please in Norridgewock, Maine, says about $2,000 worth of merchandise has been stolen this season, including about a dozen trees worth $400 over the weekend. Murphy says he stocked the cut trees at about 5 p.m. Saturday, and when he got in on Sunday morning, they were gone. Murphy tells the Kennebec Journal hundreds of people visit the farm each weekend in the weeks leading up to Christmas, and sometimes they don’t pay. If people continue to steal, he said he will have no option but to raise prices. He has notified police about the latest theft.
I’m glad this guy got his stupid trees stolen. My roommates and I finally got our Christmas tree this Saturday like the good bunch of gentile boys that we are, and my asshole still hurts from the blasting we took at the tree farm. 55 dollars for a fucking tree. Unbelievable. For $55 they should be delivering it up to my apartment along with a bottle of Delirium Noel*, putting it in the stand, and decorating it while the Frank Sinatra Christmas Collection plays in the background. Unfortunately, these spruce jockeys have us bent over a barrel: they know Santa won’t have anywhere to put the presents if there’s no tree so he’ll just eat your cookies, pound your milk, rip a lingering fart then leave. And that’s not even considering the ramifications in the great hereafter: even if they made the price $200 what do you do? Not pay up and piss off Jesus then have to answer to St. Peter at the pearly gates about why you didn’t put a gigantic fire hazard in your house for a month back in ’14? Fuck that.
All I ask is for an ounce of Christmas spirit in the Christmas tree game. Sell the trees at a reasonable price, put a “tips welcome” sign, and let all your customers’ Christmas spirt/Catholic guilt make up the difference. You make the same amount of money and get a little goodwill and good karma coming your way. Or continue being an asshole with your prices and everyone will continue to be happy every time some Robin Hood-esque hero steals all your shit. If Todd Murphy understood anything about Christmas he would get that. I guess Murphy is a Jewish name.
*H/t to Chris Spags on the Delirium Noel. Far and away the best winter beer I’ve ever had.