Editors Note- I originally wrote this article back in November of 2012. Well I had Jury Duty again today and if present day Dave could go back in time and make out with 2012 Dave I would. It’s the best piece of advice I’ve ever given myself and I have nobody to thank but myself for writing it 2 years ago. Not only did I know to show up fashionably late, but when the guy who ran the Jury room said you only had to serve once every 3 years I quickly googled this article and realized that my 3 year sanctuary hadn’t expired. Sure I didn’t have the slip which they make sound like life or death, but I did have the article to prove I was there. Long story short they looked it up and boom I was free to go. No joke it was maybe my greatest life victory in the last decade. I felt exactly like Kevin from the Office when he gets his parking space back. “It’s just nice to win one”
Just saw @stoolpresidente at jury duty. He was there. Then he wasn’t. Poof.
— Big Country (@garrett_fitz1) December 15, 2014
Anyway since this article helped make my year I figured I should repost it for everybody. Nothing has changed in the last 2 years since I wrote it. Although I will say I saw alot of tweets from people who have Jury Duty in other states saying they are allowed to drink coffee and they have TV ‘s and stuff. Not sure what is going on in Boston or whether they’ll ever try to make the experience less insufferable. I feel like we could live like the Jetsons with flying cars and shit and they will still run Jury Duty the same exact way in Boston in the same exact room with the same exact people. Fuck progress.
So today was my first ever Jury Duty at Suffolk Superior Courthouse. For anybody who has never been to Jury Duty or is about to go here is my cheat sheet for top 6 things to be on the lookout for.
1. 8am Start is Not Firm
This pissed me off the entire time I was there. I woke up at 6:30 which is like a billion hours earlier than I usually get up. I busted my ass getting there at 8am. My alarm woke me up in the middle of a great dream about eating a steak in Texas. Yeah I guess that’s what I dream about nowadays? I didn’t even get a coffee before I left because I didn’t want to be late. The notice said be there at 8am so that’s when I got there. Well people were waltzing in at 9am like they were showing up fashionable late to a nightclub. That’s dogshit bro. Do you know what I could have done with that extra hour? Lots of shit. It’s like when you wait in line in traffic and somebody boomerangs from a different lane around the corner to cut you off. Not right. Not fair. If you’re not there by 8:10 you shouldn’t get Jury Duty credit period.
2. You can’t Drink Coffee in the sitting room. Only in the break room.
How can coffee not be allowed in this room?
So when you walk into Jury Duty there is just a huge room that everybody sits in. For some reason you can’t drink coffee in it. They have this little break room in the front where you have to sit to drink it. It’s preposterous. To the point I think I’m making it my life mission to reverse this no drinking coffee in the wait room rule. It makes NO sense. Even when I called the First Lady that was the first thing she asked. “Hey did they let you drink coffee in there?” Nope. Again I’m not talking about the the courtroom. I’m talking about the waiting room which has a cafeteria feel to it. It’s surreal. I ended up guzzling a boiling hot cup of coffee just so I could sit back down. Now I got 3rd degree burns and shit. It ain’t right and I won’t rest till this rule is reversed. Free Ball Don’t Lie to anybody who can explain it.
3. Do Not Lose the Slip They Send you Saying You Showed Up
This was a pet peeve of the guy who ran the juror waiting room. He honestly made it sound like if you lost the letter they send you in the mail confirming you showed up you might as well just kill yourself. Like it was a nuclear football or something. He also loved saying the word “juror”. Almost as much as talking about how important that letter is to mankind’s survival.
(Editors Note – Like I said I didn’t have the slip but they were able to look it up pretty quickly. All things considered it maybe the biggest idle threat of all time. Although the guy did say if I lost the slip again I’d pretty much be executed)
4. Be Prepared for A History Lesson
For the first hour I felt like I was back in High School. Just sitting there watching an 18 minute video on the Constitution and Sam Adams and shit and then a judge comes down and basically gives the same speech the video just gave me. Listen you don’t have to sell me guys. I’m here. I’m doing my civic duty. You’re not going to convince me this is fun or that I’m happy I’m here. Seriously would it kill them to put something interesting on the TV’s instead to pass the time? Maybe like reruns of the Office or something.
5. I Don’t Respect People Who Don’t Respect Same Seats
So we had a break around 9:30. I went out and crushed a bagel. When I came back into the waiting room somebody sat in my seat. I felt like I got cuckholded. You just shouldn’t sit in somebody else’s seat in that environment. Have some respect bro.
6. Just Say You’re A Mogul And You’ll Get Excused
So basically after sitting around in the waiting room for a couple hours they bring you into a courtroom where you hear what case you may end up on the jury for. Naturally mine was murder. I’m pretty sure they were just trying to impress me. Anyway the judge predicted the trial was going to last between 7-10 days. After that they call up each potential juror to the bench for jury selection and the lawyers decide whether they want to use you or excuse you while the murderer gives you the once over. This is also when you can plead your case to the judge why you can’t sit on jury duty for 2 weeks. Naturally when the judge asked me if there was any reason I couldn’t do my civic duty I just responded with “Well for starters I’m a Mogul”. I don’t think she understood that because she asked whether 50 dollars a day would cover my expenses from being out of work for so long. No joke I gave her the hardest prep school face I’ve ever given anybody in my life. Then I sighed deeply and said “I don’t think you get it your honor. I’m Davey Pageviews. I’m worth 2 million internet dollars so no I don’t think 50 real dollars will not make up for me not being able to blog for 2 weeks.” And with that I was dismissed. Mogul excuse FTW.