Knee Jerk Reactions, Week 11: Patriots vs. 49ers
Things to consider while finally coming back aboard this old Pirate Ship I love but never thought I’d see again:
*It’s been exactly two years since I last posted a Knee Jerk Reaction on The Stool. Two years of living the dream. Of being with a legit media operation. Interviewing Bill Belichick in person and guys like Tedy Bruschi, Michael Irvin and Heath Evans on the phone on a weekly basis. In the meantime, Barstool went more legit than anyone could’ve imagined was possible. And I couldn’t be prouder to be back, earning and burning, snapping necks and cashing checks. So you’d think I’d be happy about coming back to a blowout win on the road with nothing to bitch about. But you’d be wrong.
*This will sound weird given the Patriots gave up all of 10 meaningful points yesterday, but I am flat out worried about this defense. I’m feeling like the D is this girl we’re living with who’s been stable enough, but is starting to give off all the warning signs of the major crackup to come. She’s going out and not telling where she’s been. She’s ignoring our texts. Got a radical haircut. Maybe a tattoo of a dagger on her arm. Quit her job. And the time to realize there’s trouble on the horizon is now, and not when she goes full blown psycho on us.
*I keep hearing how the Pats have given up the third fewest points in the league. And that’s really super. But I’m convinced more and more that that’s a result of playing some truly horrible offenses and special teams winning the field position battles, not quality defense. And we can’t watch them trade the freakishly athletic Jamie Collins for a handful of magic beans or see Jabaal Sheard happily Instagramming from the Celtics game Friday night while his teammates were off on their business trip to San Francisco without acknowledging there is some serious dysfunction going on here.
*Let’s not kid ourselves. Colin Kaepernick is a terrible quarterback. Just “Any Given Wednesday”-level bad. He can’t throw an empty into the recycle bin. He’s so inaccurate, I shudder to think what the floor around his toilet looks like. And yet through one half of football, he had a perfect passer rating against the Patriots. Chew on that for a second. And remember how they made guys like Ryan Tannehill, Landry Jones and Tyrod Taylor look and tell me they’re not starting to remind you of the 2012 defense, whose marketing slogan should have been “Where Bad Quarterback Incentive Bonuses Happen.”
*Belichick clearly had faith in Elandon Roberts as a more reliable, perhaps more coachable, alternative to Collins. But since the trade, offenses have treated him like “Hamilton” treated Mike Pence. Whether he’s given free release off the line to CJ Prosise in the Seattle game, getting his ankles broken by Kaepernick or simply being unable to stay with Garrett Celek on a crossing route (on the play after the Kaepernick run), he runs like he’s in knee-deep snow. And I’m afraid that unless he’s in what scouts like to call “the phone booth” (for you kids, this is what a phone booth is), I’m afraid teams will continue to exploit his lack of athleticism.
*Obviously they played much better in the second half. And as far as I can tell, without any major chances to the scheme. The first half saw mostly Pat Chung playing that Big Nickel hybrid safety/linebacker role, and in the second it was Devin McCourty spending more time down in the box. They stayed in man coverage for the most part, but did a better job taking away Kaepernick’s first option and made him go through progressions, which he’s not good at. And they made major upgrades against the 49ers Pistol compared to how bad they played Buffalo’s a few weeks ago. I couldn’t believe how many times Kaepernick ran in right into the side where the Pats had the numbers advantage, even on the short side of the field, rather than check to something else. Regardless, Chris Long and Trey Flowers did a much better job shutting that nonsense down.
*I’ve gone this long without mentioning Kaepernick and his National Anthem protest. Partly because I think everything that can be said has been said. But also because I’m an extremist when it comes to patriotic songs. I get pissed when people don’t put their hands up for “Party in the USA.” So you can’t go by my opinion.
*Another positive we saw once the coverage tightened up was the interior of the defense got more disciplined. You could see come of the core teachings of Belichickian defensive philosophy. The inside linebackers (or the ‘backer and the Big Nickel safety) reading the center, waiting until he commits to one side and then attacking the other gap. Like on a second-and-10 at midfield when it was still a three point game, Dont’a Hightower waited for Daniel Kilgore to commit to his right, then blitzed the opposite A-gap, blew up the pulling guard, stuffed the run and forced a punt on the next down. It’s sometimes called ATM for “Attack the Middle,” and not what YOU think it stands for, sicko. But it does have some of the same elements from your perverted mind. You penetrate, then pull out, turn around and then jam it down their throat. [Flo Rida voice: Double En-ten-dre, Double En-ten-dre. …] It was the kind of play they’re going to need to make up for the lack of a Collins in the middle.
*Think of it as a compliment to Tom Brady that he can pitch a gem like this and barely crack the top ten paragraphs. He’s become the Tom Hanks of quarterbacks, where it’s only news if he doesn’t give an Oscar-worthy performance. And this was his “Bridge of Spies.” Steady. Solid. Not as intense as his “Captain Phillips.” But totally in command throughout.
*Every week since he’s come back from Roger Goodell forcing him to do the Walk of Shame, he’s made at least two throws that no other quarterback is capable of. On the touchdown to Danny Amendola that made it a 20-10 game, he got away from pressure with the signature spin move I used to create a legend on the dance floors of Boston back in the day, rolled out, and when Ronald Blair (who’d initially dropped into flat/curl coverage) rushed him, Brady unloaded the ball while falling backwards. Not only that, but he Spidey-sensed Amendola’s route, throwing to the vacated spot in the end zone before he’d even made his break. Incredible.
*And the touchdown pass to Malcolm Mitchell was maybe his best throw of the season. He had Dion Lewis and James White in as dual backs, but both ran routes, with San Fran rushing four and dropping seven into coverage. Brady stepped up into the pocket and fired a laser-sighted assassin’s bullett to Mitchell right past Keith Reaser’s earhole. It was such a remarkable throw that Tramaine Brock, who had Amendola in man and was right in the area had no idea Mitchell had caught the damned thing.
*To say nothing of the brilliant play fake on the White touchdown, where they’d set up Julian Edelman for the wide receiver screen, but Brady had the patience to let White come through all the wash and hit him with the touch pass.
*The most remarkable thing about Brady is that at 39, he’s moving better than he ever has. He’s always had a supernatural sense of the pocket and an ability to move around in the two dimensions like a Street Fighter character. Yet his ability to leave the pocket and throw on the run is the best of his career. But you Deflategate Truthers keep telling yourself it was always about air pressure. If there was a drop off in Brady’s performance, we’d never be hearing the end of it from you anti-science Flat Earth shitbags. But now that he’s playing some of his best football ever with allegedly untampered footballs, the silence is deafening.
*Sorry to digress. But you miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take at Goodell and his minions.
*If you’ve been waiting for the perfect time to panic on Stephen Gostkowski, now would be it. He’s become a “Westworld” host who’s had enough technical glitches that he needs to be reprogrammed. And if I’m running things, the next time my punter booms one into the end zone from midfield for a net 27-yards, I’m having him thrown on that pile of naked robots in the glass room.
*If Malcolm Mitchell was a rich Texas high school girl, this game would have been his Debutante Ball. Holy crap, did he arrive. He’s consistently been a beast in the run game, and this was no exception. He positively trucked a defensive back on the LeGarrette Blount run that set up the White score. But when the offense was struggling, and every announcer’s “Cliche’ Generator” app was reading “Someone needs to step up and make a play,” the rookie came up yuuuge.
*Here was the situation. After Blount’s touchdown was called back on a holding call, the Pats next five drives included:
–A third-and-21
–A third-and-15
–A total lack of urgency as the half ran out
–A three-and-out
–A bunch of 49ers penalties put the ball at midfield but the Pats punt
And with yet another drive going nowhere, with Josh McDaniels making weird decisions like running Lewis between the tackles and throwing deep out of two-back sets with only two receivers running routes, they faced a third-and-9 from their own 21. And Mitchell found a perfect seam in San Fran’s zone to make the catch. Then he added another nice 8-yarder on the same drive and finished with 98 yards in all. I’ve been feeling like he’s not been on the same page as Brady and might end up in the Joey Galloway Memorial Doghouse. But he has arrived.
*I was also worried that last year, Blount was looking done and might be time to take Ol’ Yeller out back behind the barn. But he looks lighter in his lower body while still maintaining his power. And Lewis looks like they waited until he was 100 percent before they brought him back, making people miss, showing that quick burst. Get Gronk and Chris Hogan back healthy and this offense will be a Kellogg’s Variety Pack of unstoppability, capable of beating you in every conceivable way.
*I hate games refereed by Jeff Triplette. Not because he’s out to get the Patriots. Or because he reminds me of the creepy guy at the fillin’ station who tells the carload of teenagers he wouldn’t go up to that cabin if he was them. It’s just that no one in the league is more flag-happy than him. He calls so many penalties, they should call him Jeff Quintuplette, amirite?! Heh? Heh??? I’ll see myself out. …
*Nothing would have made me happier than to see Belichick deliver the Fuck You touchdown at the end there. But Chip Kelly must have used the Safety Word. I’m guessing the Jets won’t be so lucky.
*This week’s Applicable Movie Quote: “He doesn’t know it’s a damn show! He thinks it’s a damn fight! Now let’s finish this bum, and get out of here.” – “Rocky”
*The best thing about CBS’ coverage was the complete obsession with the “Tom Brady Returning Home” storyline, which had to go right up the ass of the rest of America sideways. High school photos. Videos of his playing days. That picture of him at Candlestick Park with his mom. I was waiting for his ultrasound and the home movie of his moment of conception. Anything to drive the world insane.
*And there’s no further proof that Julian Edelman is obsessed with being Brady than he gave them some of his youth game film too. Dating a Brazilian supermodel while making babies with another smokeshow and now this. Minitron’s effort to Single White Female TB12 is almost complete.
*For two years I have not gone to a bar, been to a party or hit the tailgate scene at Gillette without someone telling me they always liked Knee Jerk Reactions and miss them on the Stool. It’s good to be back. We’re onto the Jets.