Just How Wrong Is Kidnapping Your Babysitter?

While discussing Rick Ross’ little “kidnapping his landscaper” situation he finds himself in the midst of, as we all do on occasion, I made something of a confession/revelation on KFC Radio this week. That revelation was that, well, I’ve found myself in Rick’s shoes before.

Back when I was around seven (I may not have been exactly seven, that’s just my go-to age for “I was young”), my babysitter Eduarda was trying to make me not do things I wanted to do. It was a total bullshit move by her. I don’t even remember what she wanted to me do, or what I wanted to do instead, I just know that we were NOT agreeing with my agenda for the day.

So I did what any kid with half a brain would do, I locked her in the basement when she went to do laundry. I got my Kevin Mcallister on, tied the bathroom door to the basement door so that no matter how hard she tired, she could not get that door open. It was like the sword in the stone and she was decidedly not King Arthur. Then, I went about my day watching TV and playing with my toys.

Now, I’m not a monster, I threw Ritz Crackers down the laundry chute so she didn’t starve to death in her hours down there. But I was king of the castle. I ate boatloads of chocolate, which melted all over me while I marched around and occasionally screamed “I’M THE BOSS” down the chute, so that she knew I was, in fact, the boss of that house.

Does all that sound a little Reese Bolton-y when it’s typed out? Yeah, a LITTLE. But still, I think Kevin and Asa went way overboard with the psychopath stuff during yesterday’s episode. If that was a movie then I would be the hero child, fighting the man, and getting a day to myself. Theaters would erupt in applause at the child’s dedication to fun. But because I did it in real life, I’m a little psycho? No. Hell no. That’s not how this works.

I’m was a self-sufficient kid who knew what he wanted to do, so he did it. I’m not a little psycho and I never have been. If anything, I’d argue that Eduarda is the bad guy in this story because she just sat in the basement and pouted all day rather than break out and care for the child she’d been charged with caring for. What if I was up there jamming forks in electrical sockets or dumping TVs on my head? That blood would be on her hands.