I Couldn't Be More Offended By This "ManBoob Enhancing" Shirt

(Time) — Good news for males who still enjoy tight-fitted t-shirts. A new “muscle-enhancing” top by U.K.-based Funkybod.com gives men who haven’t peaked in the pectorals a chance to fit in with all the other fist-pumping brawny folk. The padded undershirt effectively serves as the answer to a woman’s padded bra, acting as a “confidence booster” for men everywhere. The shirt, which costs about $48, is available in black, white and grey. The top is meant to compress unsightly man boobs and reshape them into a more muscular-looking build.

I am the demographic that FunkyBod is looking to market this t-shirt to. I have what is possibly the worst t-shirt body known to man. Whenever it’s summer I spend every morning getting dressed like a fat kid in the fitting room at Old Navy, just crying to myself that I look so gross as my mom pats me on the back and says “don’t listen to the other kids, they’re just jealous that there’s more of you to love.” Hey, I can admit it, my t-shirt torso looks like a bag of mashed potatoes, but with bigger tits.

And that’s why I can tell FunkyBod, and anyone who buys this shirt, to go fuck themselves. We’re not chicks. We may have a semblance of female sex organs, but the Moob Community still has that Y chromosome. We’re not that self-conscious. I’m not going to wear push-up bras for the same reason I don’t stuff a pair of socks down my pants every night. Because on the off chance I take a girl home, I’m still going to need to take that shit off. And once that shirt comes off it’s going to be hard to convince that girl she didn’t go home with a post-op tranny. Much easier to wear a normal shirt, look like Carrot Top doing his Madonna impression and tell her “Hey, you knew what you were getting yourself into. Now let’s role play… I’ll be the mother wolf, you be Romulus and Remus.”