Hillary Clinton Finally Nails Her First "I'm A Cool Millenial!" Move And Will Be Texting Her Pick For Vice President

She’s done it! Finally, she’s done it! Hillary tried the dab, she tried hot sauce in her bag, used words like “fleek,” she tried asking people to explain their feeling on student debt in three EMOJIS, she tried PokemonGo, tried motherfucking Lena Dunham, and it was all the worst, I mean THE WORST. Just incredibly fucking cringeworthy. But she’s tinkered and toyed with the millenial recipe and she’s finally got it just right this time: texts. Don’t call, don’t make me watch some long speech and big to-do, just fucking text me. There’s nothing in the world that’s so important it can’t be expressed in a text. Not a relative dying, not a kidnapping, and not a running mate selection. What the fuck ever you have to say, say it in a text. Do not ever, EVER make my Twitter and Text device ring. Ever. Ever ever ever. Don’t do it. So hats off to Hillary for this one. We millenials don’t want to hear voices belonging to other humans, just text us.

And don’t email us either. Email is so over, but Hill knows that one.

PS – This text is gonna be littered with emojis and hashtags and abbreviations and I’m gonna take all those nice things I said back.